Gandksmom

Saying goodbye.....

2011-07-27T11:19:00.002-05:00

I don't think anyone reads this anymore and mostly it's because I haven't written anything here. If you are still checking back to see if I have written anything and are disappointed that I haven't and want me too, let me know because I have a lot to blog about!

Wendy

Dreaming

2011-04-24T18:09:00.002-05:00

I have had 2 dreams the past 2 nights. I was pregnant in both of them and knew that there was something wrong with the baby first thing. I could feel the heart beat in my hand and when I went to have a sono, they heart never closed and was on the outside of the body. This dream continued the next night, with the baby being born, but waking before I actually saw the baby.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that these dreams symbolized a re-birth of me with my heart on the outside, no longer keeping pain and hurt inside, but feeling safe to let my feelings be known. Not the everyday Wendy that everyone knows.

Keep updated as I am going to try and write more and this is my journaling. I don't think anyone reads this anymore since so much times goes by before I write. I

I am still in pain and I think that keeps people away from listening to what I have to say. I want to try and be more introspective. Yes, I have pain everywhere. Physical, emotional and psychological. Should be an interesting ride. I am also going to try and quilt a little each day. If I remember how! LOL!

Wendy

Wishes do come true

2011-04-13T15:10:00.003-05:00

I was reading back through old posts and can't believe how depressed I sound. Maybe now that Spring is here, I am feeling better. The panic attacks have decreased and I feel less depressed. Maybe it's because I am dealing with another crisis in my life? LOL!

I had to have an MRI on my back to determine whether or not the channels were big enough for the stimulator and it came back with some suspicious finding that required me to have a bone scan. I had that done and now need to meet with an orthopedic/oncologist to see if I do indeed need to have a needle biopsy.

SHIT!

Wendy

Deep Dark Depression

2011-03-10T14:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been depressed, know that it's different than being sad. I started with this depression way before my mother died. Way before she got sick. Her death has exasperated this depression in a way that I never thought was possible. I have made a counseling appointment. I can't go on anti depressant meds because they all make me sick to my stomach. I was tried on a medication for my OCD that made me sick also.

I feel so helpless. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. As long as I am sleeping then I don't have to worry about, or think about anything. ANYTHING. And I really don't have anything to be depressed about. Yes, I have something to be sad about. But, I have a wonderful partner who picks up the lion's share of things around the house and taking care of Katie. I have 2 beautiful children, who, while they have their issues, are doing OK where they are. Gillian is doing well in college, although she is struggling with some really hard classes. I give her all the credit in the world for even attempting them. She is one strong woman! Katie, while she has had some emotional issues (and I wonder if she gets them from me) does wonderfully in school with her school work. It's the peer issues that we have to work on. She wears her heart on her shoulder that one!

Anyway, I needed to get my feelings out on "paper" although I don't think I did a very good job with this. I am leaving tomorrow to get Gillian and then we are staying in Albany overnight with some friends before leaving Saturday AM to get home. I have my first appt on Sat Noon and don't want to miss it. So, maybe I will have more to tell after that!

Wendy

The Funeral

2011-03-05T13:13:00.003-05:00

Seeing my mother in her casket was a surreal experience. It looked like her. Really looked like her. You almost wanted to see if she was still breathing. But she mostly looked like she was at peace. We had to seperate calling hour times and lots of friends and family came to give us their best. The next day, the pastor from my church came and did a wonderful job of delivering a eulogy of my mother's life. The hardest part that day was seeing her again in her casket and then leaving the room for them to close it and then realizing that we were never going to see her again. Ever.

This is where I am ending. I am in a place of raw pain and loss right now. As the days go on and I feel as though I can write about my feelings I will. But for now, they are inside, not ready to be released.

Wendy

The Passing

2011-03-05T12:47:00.002-05:00

On February 18, 2011, my mother passed away at the age of 63. A lifetime smoker, she was diagnosed with emphasema and subsequently COPD by the time she was in her late 40's. By the time she was 50, she was on oxygen full time. We knew our time with her would be short. We just didn't realize how short.

On February 1st, Mom went into the hospital and was diagnosed with the Flu. She hadn't been out of her apartment in months so we can only think that someone brought it to her. Doesn't matter in the long run. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put into a regular room. Something to note...it wasn't unususal for Mom to end up in the hospital once a winter, but the previous two winter's she remained unhospitalized.

Within a day Mom was moved to MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit) as she required the use of a BiPap machine to help her breathe and all sorts of other meds to keep her alive. She met with my sister, who became her Health Care Proxy and Mom stated that she didn't want to be intubated or any life saving measures. At that time, my Mother's MD took us out to the computer where he showed us my mother's recent CT scan of her lungs which we basically empty caverns. He couldn't believe that she had lived as long as she had. Looking back on it now, I can tell that Mom was moving less and less and could barely take care of herself. Other than going to the bathroom and getting herself a frozen meal, she could barely get herself off the couch. At any rate, the MD said that he did not see her being able to leave the hospital alive and asked if we could have a meeting with our siblings to talk about where things were and what we wanted to tell Mom. We had a meeting that afternoon and my sister Tammy went with the MD to talk with Mom. Mom decided to stay on BiPap and meds and fight till the end. She then insisted that we all go home and not come back that night because she wanted to sleep.
Later that night, my youngest sister Laura came back up only to find that Mom had decided to go off the BiPap and discontinue all her medications. She quickly called my sister Tammy, her health care proxy, who came up to the hospital and called the rest of us siblings. We had no idea that what we thought was going to be an overnight death watch, like it was with my grandfather, would turn into a 15 day death watch.
The next morning, they moved my mother downstairs to the palliative care floor. When she got down there, we thought she wasn't going to survive the move and had a thready pulse and was barely breathing. My grandmother started to cry and rub her head. She came back.
My 2 sisters and I pretty much stayed at the hospital night after night, rotating who slept when in case mom needed something. For the first 7 days or so, she was sipping diet pepsi and eating bites of food. Someone had to stay awake to take care of her. The last 2 days she slipped into a coma and was pretty unresponsive. On Friday, February 18th at 11:30AM she took her last breath. It was very anticlimatic. She just started breathing shorter and shorter breaths and finally took one last breath and that was it. We called for the nurses and one came and declared no heartbeat. The floor nurse came and declared the same thing. The MD had just been in the room not 2 minutes before her last breath and he came back and just told us how sorry he was. My sister's husband, who had and still is, handeling all her affairs called the funeral home to let them know they could come and get her and we stayed with her a little while and left the hospital. We met with the funeral home later that day and all of us agreed with each other about what casket she should be buried in and the color of her casket. Blue was her favorite color. We agreed that 2 cards she received along with a letter that Katie wrote her would be buried with her along with a picture of every one of her grandchildren. We had a lot of work to do to get ready for the funeral and calling hours.

Wendy

OCD

2011-01-14T16:50:00.002-05:00

Which for those of you who don't know what that is is Obsessive Control Disorder and I have it in a BAD way! I went to the MD yesterday and she started me on a new medication that should help in a few weeks. I can't stand the thoughts that keep going through my mind over and over and over.

Here is an example of my mind the past week. Katie's teacher was sick on Tuesday. Katie came home from school on Tuesday saying her teacher had a stomach ache and felt like she was going to throw up. I immediately went into panic mode. If Katie picks up what her teacher has, then she could give it to Gillian, who is going back to school on Sunday.

For those of you who don't know, the week before finals, Gillian caught a bug and was in the hospital for 4 days. She has no large intestine because of an illness she had when she was younger, so when she gets a stomach bug, it turns into a BIG thing requiring hospitalization. So, you can imagine my panic. I am trying to inforce hand washing and keeping the girls apart. I am thinking that Katie would have come down with this bug by now, because the net says that it usually presents itself between 24-48 hours which we are past now. I will feel much better tomorrow if she doesn't get it. And the nurse at the MD's office said that the chance of Gillian getting it are even smaller than Katie.

Does that help? Nope! Still runs around my mind over and over and over again. Can I do anything about it? Nope! Do I know this? Yes! Does it matter? Nope! And if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

So, I start the new med tonight and will go up for the next few weeks until I go back to the MD again. If there are no adverse effects, then I will go up to the recommended dose. The only thing that sucks is that it could be a month or more before I feel/relief. ARGH! I want it gone NOW!

So, I am trying to read as much as possible and not let things bother me. The more I sleep and watch TV, the better I feel.

There you have it...I have OCD!

Later,
Wendy

Lazy days and Mondays.....

2011-01-08T12:48:00.002-05:00

Always get me down! Too bad it's Saturday. And I am down. But I have no clue why. I want this Spinal Cord Stimulator installed in my back already, but sooo not looking forward to the surgery. They always get your meds messed up.

I really, really want to quilt. But there is no way that I can stand up and cut out fabric and there is no way that I can sit to sew for any length of time. Another BIG obstacle is the fact that I have yet to clear out Gillian's room to make it into a sewing room. The more I think about it, the more it doesn't make sense. She is home at least once every other month, which would mean time that I wouldn't be able to get in there to sew. So, what to do? I just don't know. I can't get down the cellar stairs, so setting up a studio there is also out of the question. I will figure something out sometime. I have all the fabric sitting there waiting for me to make the top to my Nephew's quilt, not to mention the $1,000's of fabric waiting to me made into quilts. My friend Val's daughter just turned 1 and I still haven't started her baby quilt. Maybe by the time she goes to college?

Anyway, I am off to a birthday party for a friend of Katie's and the parents happen to be our friends as well. Tomorrow is my neice's birthday party right after church and Monday will be a massage and nap day. I will need it.

Later,
Wendy

Sometimes you just want to....

2011-01-03T15:58:00.002-05:00

SCREAM! My older daughter knows that I don't like her to drive my car. It's not paid off and it's the only reliable one we have. She just wanted to look all cool and drive my car to her old high school and pick up one of her younger friends. She originally wanted to drive downtown, but I nixed that. I have a feeling that is where she is. I told her she had to be home by 6PM! I think it's time for her to go back. And I don't think that there will be much crying when we leave this time. I need a break. I am tired of her drama already. She accused me of sleeping all day and living off the government. I told her if I could stand and sit all day then I wouldn't have to lay down all day. She really knows what pushes my buttons. Then a bill came today from when she was in the hospital and I told her it would go against her credit if she didn't get it resolved. She doesn't even care! She so needs to learn about money!

I can't write anymore. I can't take her anymore! Sorry for the rant. Just pissed, that's all!

Later,
Wendy

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T15:55:00.002-05:00

I can't believe another year has flown by. This has been a very tough year physically for me. I spend most days in bed and read and sleep a lot. I have been saving for a Mac Pro, but think it might go towards a IPad. I can use that in bed. I mostly just read e-mail and do FaceBook. Of course every year I say that I am going to write a book, but I am not saying that this year.

This year, I am very excited and looking forward to having my Spinal Cord Stimulator implanted. I did the trial with excellent results. I mean, I won't be able to do much more than I am, but I won't have so much pain and might be able to get out of bed a little more often than I do now. I am not looking forward to the surgery. They always mess up my pain medication and make me go into withdrawl. So, I am looking forward to a nice short time in the hospital! Our hospital's don't have a very good repuation for nurses getting to you when you need them too. I mean, I know when it's an hour away from meds, too call them and ask them for it. It's ridiculous!

But I don't want to focus on the negative, but the postive. Once I have the Stimulator implanted, I will have some relief and begin to titrate off some of the pain meds that I am on. I am really looking forward to this.

So, it's going to be a good year everyone. I have a wonderful wife, 2 beautiful daughters. 1 in college and doing awesome and one in second grade and also doing awesome. They are beautiful and make me proud! Despite some hard times at work, Cheryl is chugging along. She makes me proud to call her my wife!

Later,
Wendy

Angry Birds!

2010-12-30T12:48:00.002-05:00

My BIL got me addicted to this App on my iPhone called Angry Birds. It's a game where you fling all sorts of birds through the air (and each bird does something different) to kill the pigs that are usually heavily fortified. It's very addicting I have to say. I have to put it down after a while and then I pick it up again and try for a while.

Speaking of addiction, LOL, Gillian is heavily addicted to Epic Mickey for the Wii. She has fought her way through the game and is still going strong. I can't believe all the stuff you have to do to win this game. It's definately a great game for the Wii, but not something that I think my 7 year old can figure out. My 18 year old is having a hard enough time.

Katie has a friend over today and they are playing nicely. I am so glad that she has such nice friends to play with. Oh, and I picked Rules of Deception by Christopher Reich bach up. I picked the book up at a rest stop and then put it back down. I think I could get back into it. I finished the other book mentioned in the last post, but it wasn't anything to write home about!

Well, I am off to read, then we will be dining at Wegman's and then I have to chauffer Gillian to her group meeting at the Q center. After that, I will come home and drop into bed. I do have choir practice, but it's so late at night for me that I just don't think I can make it. We'll have to see.

Later,
Wendy

Reading

2010-12-28T14:06:00.002-05:00

So, am I the only one who seems to love reading? I mean really love it! I can eat my way through a book in a day or read one on the Kindle in a few hours. I always feel as though I have to have a book either in my Kindle or in a pile next to my bed. And talk about the guilt that I feel when I don't finish a book! I just bought Bill Bryson's book about his house and had to put it down. And I love Bill Bryson. What is it about this book that I just can't read? I have a pile started of books that I have started and can't finish. Maybe when I go back to them I will have renewed energy to read them. They seem like good books.

I am reading a Nora Roberts fluff mystery now called Brazen Virtue. It's good and I am almost done but it's not fullfilling. You kind of know how it's going to finish. Then I move to the Kindle where It's Not Me, It's You: Recollections From A Terminally Optomistic Woman.

The difference between the Kindle and having a book in your hands is minor. The only thing that I don't like is that I don't remember what the book in the Kindle is about, but it must be good or I wouldn't have bought it! LOL!

So, Kindle or real live books that you hold in your hand? Speaking of which, I have another box of books to send to Marianne! I still need to read her box!

Later,
Wendy

Christmas 2010

2010-12-27T17:36:00.002-05:00

Whew, it's over! That is all I have to say. The girls got what they wanted for Christmas. Katie's big ticket item this year was Lanie, an American girl doll, with a dress for herself so they can match. She also got doll bunk beds (as she now has 2 AG dolls), an armoir to hold all her doll clothes and some other small things that she wanted. Gillian got a 19" TV (she said to get her a small one because her dorm room is so small, and better yet, a stand to put it on. Back in October she put a 19" regualar TV (you know the kind where the back sticks out and they are HUGE) on the top shelf of her desk where it proceeded to fall right onto the laptop computer we got her last year. What a crisis that was! Anyway, that was her big ticket item. She also got Epic Mickey for the Wii which she and Katie have been playing and LOVE! I love that she actually likes a game where there is no blood shed and killing! Cheryl got an Ice Cream maker and some really cool measuring spoon and cups that should last the rest of her natural born life. She also got the Twilight Series and some other little things that she wanted. I got a lot of cool stuff! A beautiful cross that you hold in your hand, made from Olive wood from the Holy Land. I have been using it when I pray to keep me focused. I got a Haiti Life Is Good shirt where all the proceeds went to the Haiti relief efforts and 100 Markers to use with the Prism and hidden picture coloring books. I love to color! It's so soothing and relaxing. I also got a T-shirt with Books written all over the front and cats laying on the words and books. A $30 Amazon GC to fill up my Kindle, a renewal of my Barnes and Noble membership and a $25 GC to go with it. I still like to read a "real" book sometimes. My MIL got us a knife set which we desperately needed.

All and all it was a really, really nice Christmas. One family fight, but hey, that is always to be expected and I am not going to talk about it here.

I look forward to a New Year. I can't wait to have my new Spinal Cord Stimulator put in (even though it means surgery) and have my pain decrease. I may not be able to work, but I might be able to exist more than just getting in and out of bed!

Well, I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone! I must go annihilate so pigs!

Later,

Wendy

Bad, Bad Blogger!

2010-12-13T18:47:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it's been so long since I have updated this blog. I know every year I promise to write more and then I don't. This year, it is going to be a mission for me. I need an outlet to get feelings out and since I don't think that anyone is reading this anymore, it's a safe place for me to do so.

So.....Gillian has continued to give me gray hair. I should back up and say that she is at UMass Amherst now, as a Freshman. Wait! Am I old enough to have a child in college? Oh, that's right, I was young when I had her....or else I am really old now. You choose. Gillian had her large intestine removed. If you so desire, you can read further and come to the place where it all happens. Because she has no large intestine, a flu bug most likely will put her in the hospital with dehyration. Never fails. This is what happend this past week, but not only did she need fluids, she needed blood too. She was severly anemic and had to have 2 blood transfusions. I am working with the hemotologist/oncologist here in Syracuse to get her an appointment to be seen when she gets home. Now, you might be wondering why we would even know a hemotologist/oncologist. Back when Gillian had Ulcerative Colitis, she was on medication that gave her eosinophilia, basically made her red cells look funny. Again, I wrote more about this back in '08 when it was going on. So, the MD at the hospital in MA wants her to have a bone marrow biopsy. I asked him if he gave her the blood, could she see the hemotologist here in Syracuse when she came home this week? He was fine with that and I am trying to arrange that.

But let's talk about how shitty it feels to be 250 miles away from your sick child shall we. It feels really, really shitty. Guilt doesn't even cover it. And of course this has to happen the week before finals when she should be reviewing. But, I have to believe that all things happen for a reason. This week while she is taking finals, she feels good and that is what counts. Cheryl and I will be taking a whirlwind trip down there on Thursday to pick her up and turn around and bring her home. I think I will be able to breathe then!

One good thing that came out of this is that an angel appeared to us! Gillian went to University Health Services (UHS) without her cell phone charger or computer. So, after her phone went dead, she had to call me collect. After the first time of doing this, we devised a system where she would call me, I would deny the charges and call her back. But she really needed her phone. To text, access the internet and make calls. So, I got online and sent out and SOS to my Queer Moms and lo and behold! Someone who lives in Northampton e-mailed me and asked what they could do. She ran out at 9PM at night after conferencing a phone call between Gillian and I with her and got her a phone charger! Once she met Gillian and found out she was pre-med, she went back out and brought her back some reading material! Gillian was so happy! And I was very relieved. And I had an extra pair of eyes! Thank you so much to our angel!

Katie is busy in second grade. We had a great parent - teacher conference where we learned that she is starting a third grade reading level. Her wonderfully nurturing and experienced teacher has been working hard to challenge Katie to work hard and do her personal best. It's no suprise that she likes to read as I am always with a book in hand. But, one thing that does escape me is the fashion diva that she has become. She can only wear certain brands.....seriously! So, my days of buying expensive clothing are pretty much over. I still order custom outfits that she pics out, but other than basic Mini Boden and Hanna Andersson, we are a Justice, 77 Kids and P.S. household. I just took a HUGE bin of clothing to a high end consignment store and am looking forward to a nice big check in January! I used to justify my spending lots of money on clothes for her by selling on e-bay, but sadly, e-bay has become so hard for sellers to make any money that I decided that this check with go towards a vacation!

I have great news about my back and leg! I finally caved in and tried the Spinal Neurostimulator trial! It was like a miracle! The first night I was sore from the procedure, but the second night, I slept 6 consecutive hours for the first time in 10 years. I woke up more refreshed than I have in a long, long time. I went to Church on Sunday and SAT for the entire service (standing up and sitting down caused a lot of pain because the leads were still on the outside) with no pain! What a miracle! I am scheduled to have a permanent system implanted sometime in the next 2-3 months. I can't wait!

We are eagerly looking forward to Christmas and all that it brings with it. I love that Katie looks forward to Santa coming and going to church and the magic that comes with the coming of the Christ Child. We are singing the Messiah this coming Sunday in Choir and I am looking forward to it. It really helps to bring in the Christmas spirit.

Well, that is the update for now. I have been reading a lot of books and should update you about the good ones and not so good ones. Maybe the next blog, will be about that!

Well, I need to get Katie to bed. I promise to write more and write it sooner. Actually, maybe I will throw some pictures your way!

Wendy

We're off to see the....

2010-08-17T19:07:00.002-05:00

Well, we are off in a couple of weeks to drop Gillian off at college. I can't believe it. Never thought I would see the day. And I am a whirlwind of mixed emotions. I remember when I went to college. Boy, was it different. I had pretty much lived on my own since I was 16 and did things my way anyway, but this was really being on your own. I don't think Gillian get this. I think we'll be getting a lot of phone calls about money and other things that she doesn't get. But, we'll deal with that when we get to it. Right now, I am just dealing with all the seperation that we are going through. I think Gillian is feeling sad that she is leaving, anxious with what she will have to deal with and excited about the whole thing. And her way of dealing with emotions is to stick them in a pot and stir. And keep stirring until she has a bubling pot of emotions that she throws up on us all. And then we all react and it's not pretty.

So, less than 3 weeks before she is launched. I would like to pat myself on the back for getting her there.

And I have been quilting and reading. I have read lots of books but haven't been keeping track. Sad, I know. But, that is my escape. And quilting....I just started my nephews quilt. I think it will turn out nice.

My poor arms are getting tired so that is all for now. More later....
Wendy

Summer is winding down....

2010-08-04T17:44:00.002-05:00

Well, like most of you, I have been unbelievably busy this summer. I wish I could say that I have spent the summer resting and getting ready for the school year. Well, that part is right. Gillian will be 18 tomorrow and going off to UMass Amherst in the Fall. We leave on the 4th of September and drop her off on the 5th. Katie then starts on the 8th. I am (hopefully) done dealing with the loan and it will hopefully get to the school before her bill is due so that they don't cut her housing off. It's been keeping me up at night and generally making me miserable. Yeah, me! I have basically done everything to keep the balls up in the air so that this child gets into college. It's going to be a hard break for both of us, I can tell you that for sure. 18 years ago today I was admitted into the hospital to be inducted. 27 hours later Gillian was born. In a short month she will be leaving my fold. How sentimental is that?
Gillian texted me last night and told me that she was getting a tatoo this week. :::::sigh:::::: She wants to get one that says "No colon, still rollin" which is what she has on a shirt. I realized for the first time that I can't say NO! Weird.

Katie is no longer interested in wearing clothes that I spend a lot of money on. I should be putting things up on e-bay right now and I just haven't had the time to do it. I am going to miss my time frame if I don't hurry up!

So, off I am to post to e-bay......my ebay ID is gandksmom1967 Mostly will be selling 7/8's!

Wendy

Changes are a comin'

2010-06-08T11:00:00.004-05:00

Well, I decided that I have all these feelings inside me and BIG changes are coming and I don't want them to get lost. So, what better way than to blog. So expect more blogs, more often, maybe 2 in a day!

Let me recap for you where we are! Cheryl is still working at as a Cytotechnologist at Upstate. We are so lucky that she has a job in this economy along with health insurance. It's not lost on me that we could be one of those who don't have insurance! Gillian is 17, getting ready to turn 18 and along with this means that she will be graduating in a couple of weeks. Katie is 7 and in first grade. She is very much looking forward to the summer and running around and playing with her friends. As for me, I still struggle with my health and different diagnoses. SO, you can see there is so much to write about.

Last night Gillian had her award ceremony. I was beyond proud when she won a excellence in Math award and a scholorship for her integrity and a leader for peace. She worked so hard this year to keep her grades up and will be heading off to UMass Amherst in the fall. SO much to write about! I keep thinking that everything she does is the last time she will be doing it....it's last award ceremony for High School, it's the last semester in High School. It's not lost on me that there will be a lot of new beginnings too, but I remember her the first day of Kindergarten and her little feet didn't even touch the floor when she sat at her place at the table. Gillian leaving is going to be interesting. I know that she will be coming back for holidays and visits, but it really is the first step to her leaving and her not being here daily will mean it's just the 3 of us. Of course I have the worries that all Mom's have about sending their babies to college. I have been trying to do less, and spurring her to do more so that she can learn how to make a MD appt, learn to use her health insurance card, etc. Life is such a learning experience and she is getting a crash course in it.

Katie will be moving to second grade next year. We finally discovered that she is lactose intolerant and has been having a much better time with her tummy aches. I pray that she doesn't go on to develop Ulcerative Colitis like Gillian. Keeping the prayers going that she doesn't develop it. Katie is just a creative and enjoyable little girl. She likes to play with her friends and has taken a shine to a little toddler that lives across the street and loves to "mother him"when they are outside. She desperately wants a little brother or sister, but that just isn't in the cards. She is going to be a fabulous mother someday!

As for me, I am again being tested for MS. I have a brain scan on Thursday which I think will be clear. I really think that my leg numbness and tingling is coming from the back surgery. The scan's don't show anything pinching, but I just don't think I have MS. I think the most frustrating symptom I have is word recall. It's scary as well. Just not being able to remember or recall an everday word is scary. I have been reading like crazy, mostly because I want to keep my mind sharp. I have also been quilting a lot more. I finished a wall hanging for Katie's Kindy teacher (never did get around to giving her end of the year gift...better late than never) that had me doing Prairie Points, which I have never done and I am sewing the binding onto a table runner for her teacher this year. I will take pics of both and upload them and show pics. I started to make Katie a dress out of a Jelly Roll (fabric strips), but didn't like the colors and decided to make a quilt instead. I am just making it up as I go, mostly just to get it ready to bind so I can pracice binding. I had forgotton how to do it because it has been so long since I last bound a quilt. After that one, then I am going to start on my Nephew's quilt. About 2 years ago he picked out fabrics that he wanted me to make a quilt with. I have about 5 quilts that need to be quilted, but it takes sooooo long on my machine. I think I am going to send them out to be done on a Long Arm and then bind them and then they are done! YEAH! My dream is to get a Long Arm and eventually make and sell quilts at craft shows (once I get talented enough that is)

OK, my arm and hand is cramping up so I am going to go. I am sure that there will be more soon. I have so much to write about.......like my upcoming trip to MA for Gillian's orientation, her graduation, etc.

Later......

Springtime update

2010-04-21T15:57:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for my desire to blog everyday! Everytime I think about getting on the computer to do that, I wade through the mail, read a couple of blogs and then get distracted.

This week is spring break and the kids are antsy and want to go, go, go. I am sore and tired form being rear ended in MIL's car on Friday. Not sure there is any lasting damage. I was taken, by stretcher to the hospital with Katie in the ambulance with me. Because the crash wasn't just minor (his car was totaled) they said it was mandatory for her to be seen in the ER. She was a trooper. I was in agony. My back, as most of you know has a lot of hardware in there from surgery I had in 2007. The x-rays didn't show any fractures, but upon further notice, they said that one of the cages they put in might have shifted and is impinging on a nerve. So, I went back to the ortho that did the surgery and he is ordering an MRI, but they can't get me in until May 4th. I also consented to having a caudal block (basically they take a long needle and put medicine up by your tail bone). It hurts, badly. But if I can get some of the tingling and numbness to go away I will try it. Katie was fine, just shook up. She was like a rock that little girl. She seems to be a little less wary although a good night sleep would be nice.

I must admit that I am beginning to wonder if life is ever going to get better for me? The constant pain that I am in is beginning to wear me down. I can't seem to get enough sleep and I just want to be out of pain. I want to be able to walk, sit down and stand like a normal person.

OK, I am not going to make this a whining post. Spring is blooming all around with the promise of summer right behind. It's always nice after a gloomy winter. Hope. It's what I hold onto!

Wendy

Florida or bust!

2010-02-21T16:36:00.002-05:00

Well, our trip began last Saturday at 6:00AM when we loaded up the kids into the car and took off from W. Palm Beach FL, in search of sunshine and warmer weather. We drove to Statesville N.C. the first night and stayed at a Courtyard by Marriott. The guy that checked us in practically peed himself when he realized we were family and even said that Gillian favored Cheryl. LOL! We got a good chuckle out of that.

So, quiz time...what was going on in Florida, on the East Coast at about 4PM? That would be correct, the Daytona 500. We were thankfully saved by a pot hole that I believe God put there just for us to get through the area and not hit traffic. We made it to Cheryl's sister's by 6:30PM and got ready to hunker down for the night. Katie freaked out when she saw palm tree's and Gillian was actually in a pretty good mood.

On Monday we went to the mall to pick up another air mattress for Gillian as the one we had, had a slow leak in it. They had a Naartjie store there and I had to shop there. I had never been on one and it was soooo cool. We got some errands done and just went back to the house to chill out and recover from the ride down.

On Tuesday, Cheryl's sister took the girls to a game place for the day and Cheryl and I went to Vero Beach to visit friends of ours from church who winter down there. We had a nice lunch and then went to the beach and walked in the sand and had some ice cream. Then we headed back South to Candi's (Cheryl's sister) and the older folks (Cheryl, Gillian and Candi) went to a movie and I stayed back with Katie and put her to bed and went to bed myself.

On Wednesday we went to the beach to have lunch with one of Cheryl's nephew and then went to Lion Safari, where we were treated to all kinds of animals wandering around our car. They had some rides that the kids went on and then we went back to Candi's before heading out to her friend's horse farm, where both Katie and Gillian rode Cheyanne. They loved it. Home for dinner and bed!

Got up early on Thursday to head to Sawgrass Recreational Park and went on one of the Everglade tours in those cool air boats. We saw one alligator sunning himself, but the rest, according to the guide were under water because it was so cold. Oh, did I mention that it never got above 70 the whole time we were there? BRRRRR! While at the Recreation park, the kids got to hold reptiles and other gross things. Lots of pics were taken, I just need to DL them here. Most of them were put up on Facebook.

On Friday we were up at the crack 'O dawn to trek home. It was a long ride. I am crippled, but we made it there and back. I can say in all honesty that I will never drive to FL again. Ever. When we were about 45 minutes from Candi's house the girls were so horrible that I turned around and yelled, "Keep your hands to yourself and shut the fuck up!" Then Cheryl started laughing.....but only until we started down Candi's street and there was this circle thing we had to go around in the middle of the road and she said, "Who the fuck puts circles in the middle of the road?" and this from a person who doesn't generally swear! LOL! I do have to say that I95 brought out quite a lot of swearing from my normally docile wife.

So, it was a fun trip and sunny. Just not as warm as I wished!

Love,
Wendy

Getting moving!

2010-02-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

I am having a hard, hard time getting moving today. I should be packing and I can't seem to function. I am tired and sore. I am just plain tired. I am going to go and take Katie to Grandma's and then go and return some pants that are too big, hopefully to get a smaller size and then go and drop Katie's swim form (well I lost the original, but going there to hopefully get a new one) at the YMCA. Then I am going to go and get Gillian from school where we will take off to go and visit one of her friends that is in the hospital. She has the same health issues as Gillian, although her surgery wasn't as effective as Gillian's, so she was in for another surgery. Then back to get Katie and home for dinner and getting packed.

I really want to go to FL, but getting there seems BIG! Here is to some energy that I need to get going and get Katie and myself packed as well as over see Gillian's packing. Make sure that everything gets done.

And of course my prescriptions need to get filled the day that we are coming home. UGH! Right now, all I can think of is WHY ME????

Hard winter!

2010-02-07T12:45:00.002-05:00

Thank you Tracy for reminding me of my resolution. It has been such a hard winter and this was one of those things that have kind of gone by the wayside. And I have so much to write about. So, let me take them one by one!

* Gillian just got an awesome report card. Made high honor role and even got 2 100%'s! I couldn't be more proud. All of the comments on her card speak to how hard she works and what a pleasure she is to have in class. We are still waiting to hear back from college's and it's a pin's and needles kind of wait. I don't think it will be an issue for her to get in, but until she gets in.....we just wait. I can't imagine in my mind what it's going to be like with her gone to college. Sometimes I just don't think about it at all!

*Katie also got an excellent report card. She is above average on all her levels from reading to math and is also a hard worker. She, like her sister puts a lot of pressure on herself and we are working on the fact that it's OK to not be perfect. It's a hard lesson to be sure. She is going to be 7 in a few weeks and I have to just pinch myself to know that I am not living in a dream! 2 great kids. Who could be luckier!

* Cheryl stays busy taking care of everyone! She is working full time and teaching Sunday school. We are having a lot of fun in our relationship and it feels so good. That isn't to say that we don't have our moments, but parenting Katie feels a lot easier now that we've been through it once! We recently went to see Wicked! and it was great. It's nice to get out of the house now and again. So much of my time is spent in bed and in pain that to get out and enjoy time with my wife is nice. She is my rock for sure!

* Well, I am hanging in there. Some days are good and other's are bad. I am seriously considering Seminary again, something that I have come close to doing but something always stops me. Last time, Gillian got sick. Next year she is going to college and if I do the program in Rochester, it means I will be gone 1 night a week. And Katie has an issue if I am gone. I guess she would get used to it. I wonder if I can do the work. Today someone at church talked about being a hospital chaplain and I thought, "AHA!" "That is something that I can do!". It's a direction for sure.

So, life continues. We are heading for FL next week when the kids are out of school. Should be an interesting trip. Likely our last one as a family! All these lasts......

But lots of firsts too.....

Wendy

NYC trip

2010-01-25T18:11:00.001-05:00

I wrote a whole blog on it that Blogger ate. I am not going to write it over. It sucked. Not because SD (sperm donor) was an ass....it was much more than that. When I have the energy to write about it again, I will. BTW - it was a great trip for Gillian because I think she saw her SD for what he is and won't really be pursuing any kind of long term relationship.
Wendy

I love getting screwed....

2010-01-20T18:05:00.002-05:00

So. My SSD end of the year forms come today and not only did they include the money my lawyer got, we were a couple of dollars over the limit of having my money be taxed. Now, I am hoping that because it clearly says on the sheet that X amount was for 2007 and X amount was for 2008 and then the rest was for 2009. I don't think that I should have to pay for money that I should have gotten in 2007 and 2008! I mean, I still had bills that I couldn't pay. I still have collection agencies calling because even though we took almost every single penny to repay bills that were just sitting there waiting to be paid, we won't have money to pay the IRS.

I hate money. There has to be a way for us to live without money. This is just so frustrating.

And you all know how I get just a little wigged out about traveling. Gillian and I leave on Friday for NYC. We are taking the train and then supposed to take the subway to Mitchell's apt. Gillian and I are both excited about spending time together and meeting Mitchell, but also a little nervous. I am just hoping that the weekend stay's relatively inexpensive. We are saving money like crazy to go to FL next month. We haven't had a vacation away since 2006 when we went to Cancun to celebrate MIL's 80th birthday. And she paid for that trip.

So we are driving from Syracuse NY to West Palm Beach and I am getting excited and also dreading it a little. I don't know how this body is going to hold up to a drive like that. We are going to have to try and make a little bed for me in the back so I can lay down. Both girls will be hooked up electronically so this should ease the pain. Wish me luck.

And last night I went into Katie's closet to get out the size 8 pants that I put away for when the 7's got too small and guess what? They were too small. The bright side is that I bought them from Mini Boden and they have a free return policy and they give me a credit for the entire amount that I spent on the pants. I wasn't going to get any spring, but Katie does need a bathing suit and some underwear (they have the best underwear for kids hands down) so I guess I will use my credit for that. I picked up a lot of 9's for next year during the warehouse sale, so I pulled them out and other than being a tad long, they fit fine. And I got a ton for summer this year, so I don't think I will have to get much other than a few neutral tee's and denim shorts!

This is so disjointed and random.....but that is how my mind is tonight. Sorry!

Coming to you from bed...pain and Cival Rights

2010-01-17T13:04:00.004-05:00

Well, I have a big week coming up with a bigger weekend and I am probably going to be seeing the last of my naps, so I am taking the afternoon off. I sleep alot and spend a lot more time laying down that sitting or standing. I just can't do it. Often times I am spending my time laying in bed watching the Travel Channel, like I am doing now. I am watching Andrew Zimmerman, but the perky blond, Samantha Brown is my favorite!

Went to church this morning and sang in choir. One of the nice things about being in choir is that you get to do a lot of sitting and standing. I can't sit for long, remember....?

Yesterday I went to a seminar from an Institute down in FL on non-invasive back surgery. They go in with a tube and do laser surgery and put some little instruments down the tube to take things out, shave things down, etc. I have a lovely mass of scar tissue under one of my screw heads that is sitting on my Sciatica. Ouch isn't the word. It Hurts, A LOT! I am losing the function of my right leg, which of course is my driving leg and I don't think I am going to be walking very long. Which is an issue, because I can't sit. SO, I hope that I don't get bed ridden!

Enough of that stuff. Today in Adult Forum at church we had 2 people talk about their experiences during the Cival Rights movement. It's interesting because the book that I just finished reading, Alex Cross's Trial was about a real trial that happened during the Cival Rights movement. It breaks my heart to know that discrimination still happens today. I have worked long enough as a social worker to see discrimination first hand. My Grandfather used to say all the time, "I was poor and we just pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and went to work and made something of ourselves!" No matter what I said......Like, "Well, you were Male and White and had options that African American's or Women had...He didn't want to hear it. He thought he was integrated because he had black friends...and that is what he would say, "My black friend...." I don't think I ever heard him say, "My white friend....." He didn't get it. Or maybe he couldn't. I think there were 2 things that made me the angriest. When my grandparents were getting ready to buy a house in FL, the town they picked was Steinhatchee. Why? Because the only black people were the one's who delivered stuff to town and left. WTF? Seriously? How could you live in such a place. The second was more mind blowing to me than that. When Gillian was 3, I took her to Springfield TN to visit my cousin. She and her husband owned an antique shop at first. Springfield is about a half hour north of Nashville. She proceeded to show me around town and then pointed out all the sites winding up in the "black" section of town. Yes, according to her, the blacks knew where to live and didn't live outside their area. WHAT? But I think the thing that stunned me the most was when we were in line at a grocery store and a black person moved out of line and let us go in front of him. I thought he was just being kind and mentioned this to my cousin afterwards and she just said, "Black people around here know better, whites go first" Again,.....WTF? My cousin really wanted me to move down there but no way was my daughter going to grow up in that kind of atmosphere.....I can't imagine it's gotten any better. So, so sad.

I had the awesome chance to work at an agency back in 2000-2002 where I was 1 of 3 white people who worked at an almsot all African American agency. It was strange at first, but it gave me a clue as to how it felt for someone who might be AA coming to work just about anywhere else. I laid low and learned more than I ever have. I learned that we didn't start the day until we ate breakfast. There was a woman who cooked every morning. Grits, eggs, toast, etc...and we had out morning meeting over breakdfast. Nothing was really timed. Home visits were done to other AA families but there were no set times. And they were accepted into AA homes much more readily than I was, no suprise there. But as time went on, the neighborhood knew who I was and I was accepted. I didn't have fear walking on the West Side (although Cheryl was) and never managed to get shot at. It was the best learning experience I have ever had.

So, this is long and I am ready to take a nap. Thanks for pulling up a chair and reading. Any questions?

Wendy

The BIG meetup!

2010-01-14T17:26:00.002-05:00

As I alluded to in my Facebook status, Gillian and I are traveling to NYC next weekend to meet her sperm donor. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that we would even know who he is, let alone have the chance to meet him!

It all started when I contacted the Sperm Bank last year when she was so sick and wanting more medical infomation on her donor. They said that he actually wanted to be known to any of his off spring should they want to meet him. Lots of talks led to me sending a release to the Bank and then we got his name, e-mail address and we contacted him. I felt him out and thought he sounded like a nice guy. Has some books he's written, big time into holistic health and has traveled extensively regarding this issue. Also is a psychotherapist and acupuncturist. Since Gillian is going to be 18 this year, I gave her his e-mail address so that they could have whatever conversation they wanted. A few months ago we decided that we would meet. It's just going to be Gillian and I, as Cheryl is staying home with Katie. Don't need to confuse the 6 year old, who incidentally has a different donor than she does.

So, his name as you might know from Gillian's status, is Mitchell and we are taking the train to NYC next weekend to meet him. We are actually staying with him since it's so expensive to stay in Manhattan. I am nervous, excited and just wondering who this person is that is the other half of my daughter's genetics.....

Wendy

No readers?

2010-01-13T08:24:00.002-05:00

According to SiteMeter, where I keep my stats, no one is reading me as of now. My first reaction was to quit blogging and then my second was, hey, if no one is reading, then I can just let it all hang loose. I started this blog to journal my family's life, not thrill readers! So....

Gillian - is anxiously awaiting college letters to come. She has convinced herself that she is only going to get rejection letters, but I have a feeling that she will get accepted to all the schools that she applied to. She is so much like me. With the dramatic flair and all! I know that she is going to get into Smith and that she will end up going there. It is the perfect school for her. Oh! She up and she's in a bad mood folks! I can see where this day is going! Must be the bad mood bug going around...Katie woke up crying this morning too.

Katie - Continues to be very active in groups. She was waitlisted for swimming and is sitting this one out. She finally makes it to the next level and we have to start all over again in waiting to get her into a class. I hate that. She worked so hard. We are supposed to be taking her to the pool and actually getting in the water with her and start teaching her the skills. Well, I can't swim because of my pain patches and Cheryl is just too darn tired. Katie is really active in Girl Scouts too. It's cookie selling time. So, she is busy selling cookies and going to meeting which her leaders make really interesting. She is dealing with a bully in her class. It breaks my heart when she comes home and says the mean things this girl has been saying. I called the teacher because it's starting to get out of hand. And in 1st grade! I can't believe that I have another 11 years of this to go through again. Katie told me that they keep asking her in school....which one of your mother's is the Dad in your family. Nothing like trying to cram a family back into the mold eh? I asked her what she said and she said, "Mama". I knew she would!

Cheryl - Still working at Upstate and listening to me moan about wanting to move south. As in Southern PA/Northern MD. I can't stomach living in VA with their laws and all, although as a state I think it's pretty and wouldn't mind living there. But I think our second parent adoption would be null and void. Anyway, I keep asking her to try and find a job say in Key West, but she just has this thing about staying put.

And ME! I am still struggling with being disabled. I slept most of the day yesterday and really needed it. But then of course I feel guilty. I have sewing to do ya know? I have to exercise ya know....I have all these things that I have to do and I have no energy. I think I was a bear in a former life. Crawled into a cave and slept all winter and then roamed for food and ate all summer. Maybe we could learn something from the bears! All in all, other than the daily major pain I am in...now my joints are involved, I am doing. I guess that is all I can say. I am doing.

Wendy

Losing weight!

2010-01-11T12:07:00.002-05:00

According to the Wii, I have lost 4 pounds. That was since it last weighed me 128 days ago, but recently I was at 124 and am down to 197! That is 7 pounds since the last time I was weighed at the MD last month! I am doing a happy dance and have to think that my decision to stop drinking soda and work out with the Wii has helped. I did some yoga today, but that really bothered my back. I did some work on my balancing and that seemed to be where I needed to be today. I am going to try and get to the Y tomorrow and walk the treadmill. I just have to remember to take it easy or I will pay for it later.

Cheryl and I talked and we agreed that I can't go into this with wanting to lose weight, but rather to be healthier. And that is what I really want. To be healthier. I am only going to gain weight back and be angry that I am depriving myself. Whoever gave me the tip to drink seltzer with flavor in it was a genius! That has worked for me really well.

So, I will be posting a lot about my journey to health. Last night our Sacred Circle met and had great discussion. I have some interesting home work to do for that for next month and I am really going to love it. I love going there. It's really a great group of women that I feel I have bonded to really well. I can talk with them about anything!

So, check back often for more updates. I am heading off to the sewing room to start working on Katie's sit upon for Girl Scouts. Shouldn't take me too long and with the new CD/Ipod player that Cheryl bought me for Christmas that plays excellently. I love the music coming out of there and when you play your Ipod on Shuffle you never know what you are going to hear!

I am still reading the Maximum Ride books by James Patterson. I am on The Final Warning. They are a great short read, more for teens, but I really like them. I have one more after this one and then a new one comes out in March. I need to make a dent on my piles upstairs. Too many books, too little time!

Till tomorrow!

Wendy

The every other day blog?

2010-01-10T13:22:00.002-05:00

Maybe that is what I should name this? I hurt my arm/shoulder being on Facebook so much Thursday and Friday and I couldn't really sit on the computer yesterday. But I am doing Wii when I can't get to the gym, which is most days because it's warmer in the house than outside. Oh well, at least I am moving. And NO SODA! Still. I stared at it longingly today at Target but only for about 2 seconds. Then I moved on.

We are having some wonderful convo's on FB. It's been a blast from the past and sad. Sad that so many of us felt so left out. We could have been a clic all to ourselves. It's weird how it's a level playing field when you are on FB!

Church was wonderful today. Katie was acolyte and didn't light the pastor's hair on fire! All was good. My good friend Dorothy did the children's story and it was a great on about not keeping mad and hate in your heart. Some of the adults we actually talking about it afterwards.

I love singing in choir. I really, really do. The only thing I don't like is that I have to go out in the freezing cold. Why does it have to be so cold? Today we are off to my niece's birthday party and then I quick stop at home to eat and then out to Sacred Circle tonight. Now that is one group that I NEVER miss because of the cold or anything else for that matter. It's the group that gets me through the week and month!

Back to school for the girls tomorrow. Well for Katie. Gillian has been sick with a sore throat and fever, so we might be heading to the MD to check for strep. That is, if she still is sick. I haven't seen her all weekend since she pretty much stay's at her girlfriend's house all weekend and her phone died. She's almost 18, so I figure that if she needs me, she knows how to get ahold of me!

Talk with you all tomorrow. I might actually have something worth posting to post!

Wendy

Painful High School experiences

2010-01-08T10:33:00.002-05:00

I started a post yesterday on FB about high school and not fitting in. I think it got up to about 80 posts from other people who felt the same way. Today, it's morphed into being bullied in school. WHAT THE FUCK people? Seriously, why did it have to be that way? I also confronted one of the twins that used to assault me on the way home from school only to have her say that she has no idea of who I am and that I must have her mixed up with someone else from school. No way missy. You know what you and your sister did to me day in and day out. Shame on you. Stand up and say you're sorry for what you did. Own it. And explain why? What was it about me that you felt gave you the right to beat the hell out of me? I swear to God that I will never let my children be bullied. I know Gillian gets some of it in school and I try to stand up as much as I can. And teachers....what about them? Do they seriously sit with their heads up their asses and not do anything? Apparantly. Although I do know some teachers who go out of their way to help others. I luckily had a 9th grade music teacher who made me feel as though I was at least a human being. The rest....I don't think they gave a rat's ass if I was there or not. I did have one Home Ed teacher in HS that I felt cared, but even she saw it just as a job I think,

I am riled up. I am supposed to start this damn fitness plan today and haven't even made it to the gym yet! It's cold outside and I don't want to go. Why did I have to go and post on FB that I was turning over a new leaf? It's too cold!

Wendy

Already?

2010-01-07T10:08:00.003-05:00

I forgot one day! But I have been immersed in this site I found, http://www.fultonhistory.com You can put your name in there and everything that was in the paper about you will come up. So just to make it easy, for those of you who want to see what I looked like when I was a teen and what I wrote, my name was Wendy Knafelc. It's a gas I tell ya. I never even remembered that I was on the journalism committee. It brought back a lot of memories. Of course I scanned it to make sure there was nothing incriminating in there and we are all clear on that!

Our school had it's own page in the Messenger, which is what the paper our town had was called. And I was reading a page in it and there was a poem there that I could have sworn I had heard before. I go up and look at the author and it was me! Talking about how I had to leave for college, leaving my 30+ year old lover (abuser) behind. Of course I know this, but you have to read between the lines to get the whole story. I am sure that no one knew when I was in high school that a 33 year old woman was bedding (abusing) me! Especially when I told everyone that she was my guardian. Ewwww and UGH! So glad to leave those days behind. All the back biting and back stabbing...well hey, that still happens today doesn't it? Oh well, somethings never change.

Check me out when I was a teen though. Some of the words that I spoke I wouldn't change in a million years!

Wendy

Feeling like a mouse.....

2010-01-05T13:54:00.002-05:00

Running in a wheel. Well, until today when I actually had a chance to sit and have some grown up conversation. I took Grandma to get her hair done and while I was waiting, I decided to go and visit my friend Val and her husband Lee and their new baby Sophia! Tyler was in school or I would have played with him too. We had some nice conversation and before I knew it, it was time to go back and get Grandma. And now, it's almost 2PM and almost time for Katie to come home from school and then she gets to go and visit her Grandma while I go and run Gillian to the LGBTQ center downtown....do you get the visual...running, running, running.....

It's really OK. It's what I signed up for. I am going to go and grab a few minutes of reading before Katie gets home. I am immersed in these Maximum Ride books, oddly enough.

And over New Years Eve talk, it became known to me that R. Crumb has a great illustrated book on Genesis. I went to Barnes and Noble to get it but they didn't have it so I came home and ordered it with the GC MIL gave me for Christmas. I almost forgot about my B&N membership which knocked $5 off the cost! I still have half the GC left. Me and my books!

Wendy

Travel Fever....

2010-01-04T13:28:00.002-05:00

I have been watching the Travel Channel a lot lately and love it. There was a great show on water parks this morning, but damm, I love that Samantha Brown. Not only is she easy on the eyes, but she visits some great places. And you actually feel as though you might be there. Today I went to Prague! It was so cool. Yesterday they did a whole cruise show on her. I especially loved the one where she cruised the mediterannian. I would love to do that! Someday....you never know!

The kids are back to school today. I miss them. Gillian is worried now about what college's she's going to get into, but I'm not. She'll get into the one that is right for her. Please Smith, accept her and give us a great package. She's a great kid and would do your school proud! Now it's just a waiting game....and anxiety mounts as well. She needs to get a job too, but hasn't been able to. It's one of those times when you want to make things all better for them, but you just have to let them go through it.

Katie didn't want to go back to school today. I think she is bored. But, she went and I am sure will come home with a smile.

Well, I am off to sew for a few while I am waiting for Kate to get off the bus. I think I might start a skirt with charm squares for Katie. And I still have to head out to Joanne's to get the fabric to finish her class quilt! I will post pictures when I have them!

And if you have some extra love, please throw it my friend Casey and Judy's way? They are both going through a tough time.

Wendy

Talk at you tomorrow!

Getting there

2010-01-03T13:48:00.002-05:00

I am feeling better today. Actually out of bed and drinking Ginger Ale. I haven't ventured into eating anything yet. And the SNOW! UGH and double UGH! It hasn't stopped snowing here in days and right now, our deck is half full of snow. It's light and fluffy, which is good, but even if I wanted to leave, I would have to dig out my car and I don't want to do that.

I didn't even go to church this morning. I am sad that I missed it, but really needed the rest. Next week we get back to our regular routine and I am looking forward to that.

Oh, and we have a new Wii game, bought from our friend Abby! It's Outdoor Challenge and I am sure when I am up and running we'll be playing it!

Talk at ya soon!

Wendy

Sick

2010-01-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

I paid for having a nice day yesterday by spending most of the day either in bed or the bathroom. It was supposed to be Cheryl's day off, but she got stuck shuttling Katie back and forth to all her activities.

I hate days like these. I wish I could have day's like yesterday more often.

Back to bed I go. More tomorrow if I am feeling better.

Wendy

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T16:20:00.002-05:00

I can't say that last year was a bad year. I think it was a normal year. I think we always hope that the next one is going to be better, but then when we get to the end of the year, we realize that it was a normal year. There are some up's and some down's. Sometimes there are more than the other.

We rang in the New Year with some friends from church. Much good food and laughter was had and it was the first time in a long time that I have been up until Midnight! Katie actually made it too! Thank you to the Bolands for the invite!

I am living up to my promise to blog daily. Right now Cheryl is outside with Katie playing in the snow while I sit in the warm house watching a show on ghosts. Tomorrow will be a busy day with Katie having much to do. We don't see Gillian much on the weekends anymore. Another moving out of the nest!

I look forward to checking in with you all tomorrow. Katie has 2 birthday parties and a Girl Scout event, so it's going to be a busy day.

Wendy

2009 in review....

2009-12-31T11:39:00.003-05:00

Well, this has been a roller coaster year. It's really easy to remember the stuff that just happened, but harder yet to forget the stuff that happened a while ago. So, here I go. This year, Katie turned 6 in February. She started first grade in September and is still going strong. We made it through another year without my grandfather only to relive the pain of death when my great Aunt Lottie died. Another blow to the family tree. We started the year off with Gillian having an Ostomy and ended it with her having a JPouch, not the mention the 2 surgeries that she went through to get there. She went to Youth Rally in Colorodo in July. The first time I have really been away from her that distance! It was a learning experience for both of us. While she was away, we took Katie to Lancaster PA and did some little kiddy things that Gillian wouldn't be interested in. It was a HUGE wakeup call for me that I have precious time left with my oldest daughter as an adolescent and not an adult. Gillian turned 17 in August and got her license this year. She is driving. In the fall, our good friend Pam died tragically, leaving a gaping hole in our lives. But we gained a great friend in return. Thank you Jackie for coming into our lives. Soon after Pam's death, Gillian and I went to Smith College in MA for an interview. While we were gone, Katie and Cheryl flew to NJ to see Miley Cirus in concert. Whew....is the year over yet? Nope, on Thanksgiving, right before dinner was served, I received a text message from my good friend Noa, who lives in Israel that our beloved friend Susan E, died that morning. She was at the top of the transplant list but just couldn't hold out. Shock waves ran through my Queer Mom's list as we realized that we've yet lost another sister. After the shock of losing someone so significant, I am happy to say that my friend (and ex) Val and her husband gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in December. Sophia enters a world full of wonder and grace. Welcome Sophia Lynn! I still love buying beautiful clothes for Katie (and would for Gillian too if she'd let me) and I am still quilting and creating. It's hard for me to stand and cut out squares and then sit and quilt them so it's very slow going. I am doing a project with Katie's class where they were learning geometry through quilt shapes. So, I cut out muslin squares, sent them to school and received them back, all colored and cute. I need to send in some fabric samples to school for them to vote on borders and backing and then I will put it together. My goal this year is to get that done, finish Katie's, Gillian's, and the Halloween/fall quilt that I made. I have some patterns to make Katie some dresses and skirts too, so we shall see what comes out of all that!

The year seperates out here for me in religion. I made peace at church with my minister over her inability to ordain me as an elder. I was ordained, but not by her. Our Minister of Music left her position, but has been back with her husband during certain times. Soon after that, the Director of Children's Ministry resigned and with that another decision fork. Do I leave and find another church or stay? One Sunday of looking around the Sanctuary left me without any doubt that it would be impossible to leave the many good friends that I have made. I joined a newly formed group this year, Sacred Circle, and it has been life transforming for me. My sisters in Christ have been pushing me (gently) to places that I have been really afraid to go. And it's so liberating. I am still planning to go to Seminary or at least take religion courses at SU, but I need to get Gillian settled first.

And my relationship Cheryl. There were many times that I thought I would be on here blogging that we were done, over, caput. But we've made it through another hard time and are in such a good place. My getting Social Security has taken so much pressure off our relationship that we have been able to get past some of our anger about money and really work on area's that strengthen our relationships. Does that mean that I think everything will be hunky dory, nope, but it feels better than it ever has.

So, 2009 didn't suck or stink for me this year. There were sucky times that stunk, but when you look at it more good than bad happened this year. Actually, life happened this year.

Here's to 2010!

Wendy

Dreaming

2009-12-30T15:10:00.002-05:00

Oh man, I have been watching the Travel Channel all day and they are talking about cruising! The one I am watching now is exclusive to the wealthy, where they have their own apartment's on the ship and just travel from port to port. We watched the Disney Cruise one but I could feel Katie's blood pressure go up just seeing the characters on the TV. I really wish I could understand her fear of dressed up people! I really want to take her to Disney World, like we took Gillian when she was 9! We did the 4 day land 3 day sea package and it was awesome. I guess I will have to settle for my week in FL. That's if I can get Cheryl to call her sister to make sure we can come down that week. It will be nice to be somewhere warm. Last night I told Cheryl that I couldn't conceivably stay here in the NE much longer. The cold is too cold and the snow too much. I need more moderate temperatures. I could totally see living on Key West. Yes, I know I said Moderate...but one can dream!

OK, I have to turn this channel off. I really want to go on a cruise. Or at least somewhere warm!

Wendy

Good friends....

2009-12-29T21:38:00.001-05:00

Are the best. Since Blogger just ate my last post....we had a great time with Kathleen and family tonight. I miss listening to her preach, but am so glad that we have remained friends. Our kids played nicely together and we had some great food and conversation. It reminds me that we don't do this often enough with our other friends.

On a sad note, we received word today that our good friends Vince and Jack and their daughter Mona lost their Mother/MIL/grandmother yesterday. Please keep them in your prayers. We will be attendng calling hours tomorrow night.

Now, I am so tired. I am off to get into bed and read and go to sleep!

Wendy

Memories....

2009-12-28T15:13:00.002-05:00

I have been reading back through the old blogs that I have written and gee, what a sad sack I have been! Depression sure is the theme. I am hoping to change that this year. Gillian will be heading off to college in August, so there will probably be a lot of posts from me about college stuff. She applied to 7 different schools, so I imagine after the new year, we will start getting acceptence letters. Then Cheryl and I will be sitting down and trying to figure out with her what school she can afford. We are hoping that with her grades and learning disabilities that she gets some scholarships. But with everything where there is a will, there is a way.

The best news, and I don't think I updated anyone is that I finally got SSD! WHOOO HOOOO! The judge was a dick and only said for 2 years, but I finally got it. And the retro money was just enough to pay off enough of our bills that we can finally get the bill collectors to stop calling. We still have a lot to pay off, we weren't able to get a van, but hey, we have enough each month now to pay the bills, get groceries and not have to hold our breath that something major was going to happen. Of course, I wanted to take the money and go on a nice trip. But thankfully Cheryl convinced me it was better to pay the bills! LOL! So, we are living life instead of holding our breath. We can actually give back for once, after all the getting we received. The other day, I was in McDonalds and they were doing a fun raiser for a local Ronald McDonald's house. They asked someone to step up and donate $100 and I did. It felt soooo good. Now, when someone else is in need, I can give to them. Let me tell you, giving never felt so good. Now I can understand why folks gave to us when we were so desperate! It feels good to help. And the Regent that someone bought us a couple of years ago was gifted to someone who needed a safe car seat.

So, there you have it! Life is getting better and better. I am still considering Seminary, but for now am looking into auditing courses at SU in Religion to see if I can do it. But God is calling me to do His work. And where He calls....I go!

Happy 2009! And here is to a great 2010!

Wendy

Cook or be cooked....

2009-12-28T12:10:00.002-05:00

Kate got this game for the Wii and it's HARD. We can't even fry the damn eggs or get the bacon the right temp. Heck, we can't even turn the friggen stove off and on. This is going to be a great game for Katie because she'll be able to figure it out eventually and then be off to cooking school. She also got Cooking Mama for her DSi and Diner Dash which she loves. An Easy Bake Oven....do we see a theme here? LOL! Gillian got her new computer and SIMS 3 which keeps her glued to the screen for a long time. At least until I offer to duel with her with the Nerf Wii! LOL

We had the greatest time last night playing Wii Resort. (I feel like I am becoming a commercial for electronics here) They have a sword game and I beat the tar out of the other jouster....hey, did I already post this yesterday? I feel like I am repeating myself. Must be because I haven't done anything yet today except take Katie to her friends house. But, let the games begin! Wii Nerf here I come...if I can get Gillian away from SIMS 3. I guess I will just have to try and finish The Scarpetta Factor by Patricia Cornwall. Don't buy it. It's not that good. I am trying like heck to slog through it.

Also, if you are reading me....let me know! Let me know what you want to know more about....the kids? Sewing and quilting? Electronics? Books? I aim to please!
Wendy

Wicked good!

2009-12-27T17:41:00.002-05:00

Guess who got 6th row seats to Wicked for Christmas???? I did! I did! I am so excited to go and see the show. Ever since I read the book, I have wanted to go.

We celebrated Christmas with Grandma yesterday and the whole family got Wii Resort. Yahhoooo! It's so, so much fun! The sword fighting game is great for getting your aggression out and I might not be able to play basketball in real life, but I can sink those 3 pointers on Wii! Katie got Cook or Be Coooked for the Wii, but we haven't tried that yet.

And what holiday wouldn't be complete without a visit to the ER. We went to see my Grandmother yesterday and she couldn't even move without being in agony. So, we had to call 911 to get her into an ambulance and then to the hospital where they put her out in the hallway until 6:30 this morning! They finally admitted her after I got into a huge fight with my sister and the doctor. Family drama! My grandmother is going to be fine, but will be in pain for a while. I know the pain as I feel it in my own back and leg every single day.

The kids are off this week, but I am still going to try and post every day unless something drastic happens and we have to take someone to the hospital! LOL! Until then my good friends, I will talk with you all tomorrow...that is if there is anyone reading....
Wendy

Early New Years Decision!

2009-12-26T10:37:00.002-05:00

I am going to try and update this blog daily if I have any readers left! I went back and looked at all the memories that I have created. I started this blog when Katie was 3 and have the best memories.

We had the best Christmas ever! Although I have to admit that I was really, really tired. I went to both Christmas eve services and barely made it through the 11:00 one. I really thought that the singing was going to uplift me and make me serene, but all I really wanted to do was lay down and go to sleep. I did go back to bed after the presents were opened. Gillian got a computer and Katie got her Nintendo DSi and both were very happy with their gifts. I got some great things from Femine Creations and some great gift cards. Cheryl also gave me a CD player that plays diretly from my IPhone. Oh, and just so you know....Katie got a wheelchair, casts and bandages for her American Girl doll. I wonder what is in store for the poor doll?

I think it's going to be a long week. The kids have nothing planned and I usually spend my days laying around and laying low. I will have to find some things for them to do.

So, this is the beginning. Can't promise that everyday will be interesting....but there will be something every day!

Oh dear

2009-10-24T15:20:00.003-05:00

I am not going to promise anymore that I am going to keep this blog up to date. You get what you get! LOL! Those of you who read me often, know that this is a hard time of year for me. The loss of my son Jared in September 1999 and the anniversary of my father's death in October. Add to that, on October 19th a friend of our family and an esteemed member of our school district died tragically. She leaves behind a life partner, 2 sons and 2 grandsons. I am trying to be here for her partner. I just can't imagine losing Cheryl. Scares me to death. So, I don't want to get all maudlin here. Just want to check in and let you all know that we are keeping on. More later when I can write.

What a weekend!

2009-09-13T17:04:00.002-05:00

I started the weekend by joining 6 good friends from church at VanderKamp up in Cleveland NY for our Sacred Circle (from church)and had a wonderful spiritual retreat. For the sake of privacy, I am not going to go into detail what we did, but it was awesome. We did "walk" in the woods and had lots of good food. We laughed a lot (as in BELLY laughing) and told wonderful stories. To say that I came away refreshed and rejuvinated in my soul is an understatement. But lurking beneath that was the knowledge that our beloved Minister of Music's last Sunday would be the very next day.

So, as all things must do...time marches on and today came. I wanted it to last forever. Her last time at rehersal, her last time on the organ, etc. As we made our way up to the balcony, I savored every last minute. There were tears. Lots of them. Folks that had left the church came back to sing and fellowship. There were lots of tears, smiles, hugs, etc.

I have so much more to write, but I can't. It will have to wait for another day. There is a husband to write about who was significant in my life too.

Goodbye dear friends. I hope we meet again someday.

I love you both, my sister and brother in Christ.

Wendy

Clothing addiction

2009-08-16T14:14:00.003-05:00

Yes, I have one! I went to the Boden warehouse sale and got about $900 worth of clothes (for next year) for $160! Including in this was a great long wool duffle coat that resales for $88. I was stoked. The rest of the stuff that I got was for next summer and fall.

I placed my Mini Boden order and bought mostly pants and was really disappointed when they came. The only pants that really fit well are the Lined Cord Baggies and Heart Knee Patch pants. The rest of them got sent back. I will be showing you all a fashion show at some point when I the moon aligns and Katie is willing. LOL! Our good friend Kate from Monkeysbug tee's (google her seriously...she makes the most adorable stuff) and she made Katie a First Grade Rocks tee with jeans that have awesome appliques on them to match. She threw in a cute headband to boot. I can't wait fo the first day of school. I also had Francoise Lama Solet make us a couple of cute outfits. One if for summer and one is for winter. We just got the summer one and the winter one is on it's way. And I am getting ready to put in my order for www.everythingbuttheprincess.com She has the most incredible stuff. I have to wait for my refund from my Boden duds before I can put in my other order. Gap also has some very cute fall stuff. They had some cute tunic tops with opposite capri's that look a lot like Hanna Andersson's Play All Day Sets. They are really thin compared to Hanna's but they are cute. I still have some cute Hanna's from last year that will fit.

Did I mention that Katie doesn't really need anything? Gillian either, but they both get a ton every year. Anyway, I will put pictures up as they come. I still have pictures from Dutch Wonderland and Lancaster PA. They are on the computer, I just need to get them up!

What to do?

2009-08-16T13:39:00.002-05:00

I think I mentioned a year or so ago that there was stuff going on in our church that pretty much centered around me, or to be specific, my being gay. So, I need to tell the story because I don't want it to get lost and truth be told, it's still affecting me today.

About 1.5 years ago, a position opened up on the board for Staff Support Chair. This pretty much entailed doing what I had done most of my life. Let me just interject here that we had just hired a new pastor. I think you will understand why this is significant down the road. Anyway, if I were to take on this new position in the church, you have to be an ordained elder. This would be the first problem. I brought my concerns to the moderator who assurred me that it wouldn't be an issue in the church and I really think he believed that, since our mission statement specifically states that our church doesn't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.

So, guess what? It turns out that it was a big issue. Our church is a combined combination of a presbytarian and baptist congregation. And there are some little words(well actually they are regular print, but should be in bold) in the Presbytarian Book or Order that says Ordained Elders have to follow certain rules, like chastity in singleness and fidelity in marriage. You would think this wouldn't be a problem since I have never cheated on Cheryl, but you would be wrong. Because they define marriage as between a man and a woman. Oh yes, they do. But you aren't suprised are you?

Lots of folks at our church thought, well, we are progressive, so what's the big deal? The big deal was that our new pastor wasn't willing to put her own ordination on the line and ordain me. So began a loooong process of convening a task force to look at the issue, letters being written (and some of those were really, really hard to hear, I have to tell you)

All this time folks were checking in on me and making sure that I was OK with everything going on and I just said yes, because who really wants to hear no. Many dear friends have left the church over this issue and it pains me to my core. Many good friends have stayed.

So, why did I stay? I really don't know how to answer this question. Part of me feels as though I had to stay to show everyone that I was OK, that "I" wasn't going to drag a church through the grindstone and then desert them. But that is what I feel like doing. I still harbor a lot of anger towards the pastor, who could have stood up for me and for GLBT folks. I am still filled with grief over folks who have left and wish everyday that I had the guts to stand up and say, "You know, I am done with this, I am sorry for everything that has happened, but I just can't stay." I feel as though by my staying I am not standing up for what happend to me.

I am sure as you are reading this (if I have readers left) that you can hear the pain in my words. That you can tell that I am conflicted and that I really don't know what to do. I feel by staying that I am saying, "What you did to me was OK" and you know what? It wasn't.

It's so damn complicated. I think this issue is keeping me from moving forward in my relationship with God. Maybe I just am not the church going type? Maybe I need to find another church? I really don't know. I just know that I always attend church with a smile on my face and tears in my heart......

A little story to tell

2009-07-23T07:53:00.002-05:00

In all of my sadness of losing my Aunt Lottie, there is a story to tell. Most people don't even know their great aunts, let alone have the privilege to not only know them, but love them.

The story starts when I was a young girl. My grandfather who died about a year and a half ago and 3 of his brothers and their wives always vacationed up in Canada about an hour and a half northwest of Kingston. This is seriously God's country here and my mother always had her cousins to play with while the 3 couples rented camps during the summer. My mother is still close with some of those cousins. The year I was born these 3 brothers and their wives bought 3 plots of land on lake Kashawakamak and built 3 camps next to each other. My Aunt Deloris (now deceased) and Uncle Ronnie, Aunt Lottie and Uncle Bob and my grandparents all had their land and built their camps each one helping the other. This helping each other continued until about 5 years ago when they began to get frail. Every summer for as long as I can remember, my Grandparents would take my sister, me and my cousin up to camp and my aunts and uncles would bring their grandchildren up to camp too. So, I always knew my second cousins well and would play with them, swimming, fishing and best of all, working on a play that we would put on near the end of the week. We'd always charge admission and our grandparents would always pay and Aunt Lottie would always bake up a storm. She would make the most wonderful eclairs and pastries and we'd sell them too. So we'd goof around, do our play and just have a marvelous time. I have a picture that I treasure of all of us grandkids in my Aunt Lottie/Uncle Bob's camp with bright smiling faces and tanned faces and arms. Aunt Lottie was also known as the candy lady. She always had stacks of candy and we'd go to her camp to fill our bags the first day and go back for refills as needed. This was true for my children as well, as they knew their Aunt Lottie well too.

Later on in years as I grew and began a family of my own, I got to know Aunt Lottie well. We'd talk about things and when I met Cheryl, she never hesitated to tell me how wonderful she thought she was. She was really the only one of that generation to accept openly that I was gay and we had a lot of talks about that. After we were grown and gone, my grandparents, Aunts and Uncles retired and everynight would rotate camps and play Uno, women against the Men and we'd always hear, who was winning, who had what best strategy, etc. This is as close knit as a family gets.

My grandmother and Aunt Lottie worked together for a time, serving lunches in the Syracuse district and the stories they can tell. My grandmother is still living and I will continue to cherish every moment with her. I can't imgine the pain that my mother's cousin's are going through, not to mention my second cousins. BTW - we never thought of each other as second cousins, ect. We always just called each other cousins and my great aunts/uncles were always just called Aunt/Uncle.

When my Aunt Deloris died about 3 years ago, my Aunt Lottie became depressed. When my grandfather died, she talked about wanting to die herself. Then her sister's husband died and then her sister. It became unbearable for her to process this grief. She was in pain from Lupis and had a hard time walking although she still got around pretty well. She had the most beautiful white hair and I will miss her walking over from her camp to ours and coming in to say hi. I will miss sitting with her and talking with her. I kept meaning to go out to her house and sit and talk with her and never made it.

So, I want to tell herhusband, Uncle Bob, her children, Charlotte and Bobby, her grandchildren, Connie, Robbie, Shelly, Jaime, and Sally Jo that I know your pain having just lost another leaf of our tree. But your mother/grandmother was one of a kind. She loved everyone and while she had her opinions, she loved you all so much. She loved us all so much. Aunt Lottie has gone on to a better place, this I know for sure, but I just can't help thinking, "They are falling, all around us, They are falling, all around us, they are falling, all around us, the strongest leaves of our tree." (Holly Near)

Yes, our tree will go on. It continues to this day. But watching those leaves rise up and leave is the hardest journey for me on this earth today.

OK, don't faint.....

2009-07-05T14:14:00.002-05:00

Every time I get on the computer I keep thinking about this blog and try and decide whether to let it die it's slow painful death of ressurect it. So, here is my attempt at ressurection.

The Knafelc-Schmidt clan has been busy as bee's. I was just chuckling when I actually wrote that because I really have 2 last names. The high school calls asking for Mrs. Knafelc and the Elementary calls and asks for Mrs. Schmidt. Then of course I have to discern what Mrs. Schmidt they want, me or Cheryl. And to make things more exciting, Katie's teacher next year is Mrs. Schmidt. It's always fun around here. I will legally change my last name to Schmidt when Gillian graduates from High School, but I do love the last name of Knafelc. For those of you who don't know how to pronounce it, I am hearing the sigh's of relief across the world. Judy, remember the time the sub in 8th grade social studies called me Kanaflex? Now, I have to admit that was the best one. Gillian thinks I cursed her because I named her Gillian instead of Jillian. I did it because I didn't want her called Jill. So, guess what she (and everyone else calls her?) Gil. UGH. I can't win. And I really fought long and hard over Katie's name. Remember those of you who knew me when I was pregnant with her? Saying how Katie Jo wasn't sophisiticated? LOL! I did fight for Katheriine Josephine, but lost. Cheryl's grandmother was Katie and mine was Josephine (although for the record, I always called her Grandma Jo and so did everyone else). Anyway, back to my story. Come to find out that when Cheryl's brother was doing the family history, Cheryl's grandmother's given name was was KATHRINE! HA! But I can't see her as anything other than Katie. Her kindy teacher called her Kate and she always sounded so grown up when I heard her call her that and Katie told me that one of the aides in the room called her Katie Jo Jane which I love and still call her now. Much to her delight I might add. Katie and Gillian both hate their name, but I remind them frequently that I could have just named them Baby Knafelc and Baby Schmidt until they were old enough to name themselves. Besides, isn't it a parent's perogative to torture their children by naming them names they hate? LOL

Onto other things! Gillian leaves on Saturday for Ostomy/diversion camp (as in J Pouch diversion, not behaviour diversion although I can't say that thought hasn't crossed my mind once or twice). This is the first time that she will be flying away from me and she is going all the way to Colorodo. I guess it's practice for when she leaves for college huh? Katie, Cheryl and I are taking off for a few days of fun in Lancaster PA. Mostly because I want to visit some quilt museums and they have a lot there. We are also going to see "In the Beginning" a bible based show down there that I heard was awesome and possibly get Katie to go to DutchWonderland. She saw a dressed up dinosaur on the website so she is convinced it will be walking around the grounds and doesn't want to go. Anyone have some good clues on how to get a 6.5 year old over her fear of dressed up people? It's getting old I do have to admidt. We'll be back by Thursday to get Gil off the plane.

Then we have the 3rd week in August slated to go and visit the 5 college area of NorthHampton MA. Gillian really wants to go to Smith, so we are visiting there, Hampshire, U Mass Amherst, Mt. Holyoke and Amherst. Hopefully, she will wittle down her list, add a few SUNY schools and we will set up some interviews and start getting rolling on college apps. We are still waiting on her SAT scores and she aced all her Regents and finals which given the fact that she was out of school more than she was in it, is a testement to this kids willpower and strength. Not to mention her smarts.

Cheryl is still working at Upstate and I am still working as a Domestic Engineer (read SAHM) Cheryl tolerates her job, but once Gil graduates I can't promise that we will stay here. My disabilities are getting to the point where I need more moderate weather and no stairs, so we will see where that takes us. I found a new Primary Care MD and within 2 appts found out that my thyroid is low and my vitamin D had bottomed out. I am now on meds for that along with my high cholesterol (which she thinks will even out when my Thyroid does) I also finally went for my bone density scan and my spine is very fragile (not including the parts that have already been operated on and have hardware) so the MD is trying to get approval from the insurance company to start me on IV Boniva once every 3 months. Yes, not once a year, but once every 3 months. I don't think I could take having another back operation.

Operation diet has commenced for me too. I gained so much weight with my wonky thyroid that I now have to get it back off. It will help my back and my new problem of having something wrong with the muscle that travels up the front of you. I suspect that it will help my knees and ankle's too.

I am still considering Seminary. I think my best bet will be to see Gillian off to college and get Katie safely ensconsed into 2nd grade before I can devote the willpower to that. So, in place of that I have taken on reading the bible cover to cover and then will go out and buy a study bible to become even more schooled in it.

I am still quilting when my legs and back can stand it. I have lots of UFP's (unfinished projects) including the quilt that Katie picked out for her and I to do for her kindy teacher. That is most pressing as I don't want her graduating from college before it's done. I would say LOL, but it could happen.

I promise for those of you who have been faithful readers that I will try my best to keep you all updated OK?

WOW

2009-04-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

Has it really been that long since I have written? Sorry about that folks. Life has been incredibly stressful here. Let me fill you all in.

I think the last time I wrote, Gillian had had her 2nd surgery and was recovering from that. She had a difficult time in her recovery and was hospitalized twice for dehydration and pain. She has since had her 3rd and last (hopfully) surgery. This was her take down surgery where they reconnect her intestines and take down the ileostomy. She has done wonderfully with this surgery. I am still fighting with her to get her to drink and take her meds...it's the whole teen thing, if I don't feel it, I don't need it kind of thing. Along with thinking she knows everything! At any rate, we made it through that surgery and I am just exhausted.

Exhausted to the point where I have been sleeping about 15 hours a day. I have to get back into the doctors and find out what is going on. They think it might have something to do with elevated testosterone levels, but since I haven't been able to get myself to the MD to get the blood taken, I don't know.

Katie is doing great. She still loves school and is just whipping through. She is reading up a storm and adding and subtracting. She loves science and is going to participate in the science fair with her Mama. I love watching their relationship grow together. For those who were worried that they wouldn't bond because I was breastfeeding and staying home with her, well you worried for nothing. She has a very strong bond with her Mama. Sometimes, I will admit, that I feel jealous because they are so close and Katie prefers her Mama over me, it's plain to see. So, I am just trying to be happy for them and not be jealous.

I am still waiting for disability. I hate that system I tell ya. My back is worse than it ever was and I am still waiting for Comp to come through so that I can get my ankle repaired again. I am just tired of waiting for everyone to get their act together.

See, I knew why I stopped blogging....all I seem to do is whine.

Wendy

Gillian's surgery

2009-01-26T08:02:00.002-05:00

#2 for those of you keeping track. Life has been unbelievably busy around here and this morning we leave for the hospital in about 2 hours for Gillian to be admitted for her 2nd surgery. This is the surgery where they will create the J Pouch and then give her a loop ileostomy. The loop is somewhat different than what she has now as right now her ostomy is from the end of her small instesting and they are going to move that down and connect it to her rectum, creating a J Pouch. Then they will pull up a loop of her small intestine and that will be her new ostomy for about 6-8 weeks while the J Pouch heals and begins to learn it's function as a colon. In a bout 6 weeks they will scope her and if the JPouch looks healed they will go ahead and shoot dye up through there letting it spill into her bag to make sure the passage is clear. If it is, then they will close of the ostomy and she will be free to go to the bathroom normally. Well, what will become normal to her. 12-15 loose stools a day. They won' hurt and they will get better as the J Pouch learns what it's supposed to do.

So, I have been trying to read, keep up with MD appt's, and quilt. I am just trying to find things to do for myself. They still don't know why I am so swollen and when my regular MD comes back from maternity leave, hopefully they will run the "right" tests to show what is going on.

Katie is doing great in Kindy! She really loves it. Her teacher is wonderful and nurturing which is totally what Katie needs right now with her house ready to move in upheaval land again. This time Gillian should only be in the hospital 3-5 days rather than the 20 something she was in last time. This takes such a toll on Katie as she loves her sister and just wants her to be OK.

Now on a completely different note, how about that inauguration eh? Wasn't that something? I love Obama almost as much as I did Clinton. And not a more glorious site was to be seen when Bush got on his flight out of DC. Good bye and good riddance I say! I love Michelle Obama, her poise and grace are just what the white house needs right now. I have a feeling that we will hear more from her than we did Laura. I think that she will be visable as Hillary was. And what about her being made Secretary of State. Now that is just plain cool I say!

And TV! Anyone here watch LOST? I only watched the first hour, so don't give it away OK? And last night I watched A Very Duggar Wedding which led to some interesting conversations between Cheryl and I. I loved when Jim Bob took Josh off for his "man to man" talk and talked about cherishing women. Then they had to blow it al when during the ceremony they focused on him being her authority. GAG! And we are still die hard Jon and Kate + 8 fans. Can't wait for tonight for them to show where they moved.

So here is a high five to a new administration where hopefully we pull out Iraq and shut down Guantanamo Bay and finally start to lift this country our of the deficit that we are in! I am so hopeful!

Pure nastines

2009-01-13T09:28:00.002-05:00

Well, let me start out by saying that I apologize for not writing for so long. My life continues to be consumed by my ever growing medical problems list and Gillian's second surgery is coming up on the 26th of this month. As you can imagine, things have gone to high alert in the family. Even though I vowed that I was going to just "Let go and let God" I don't seem to be following my own advice very well.

So, let me back up and fill you all in. Despite the cold and snow that seems to keep piling up, we had a very nice Christmas. I have decided however, that this is the last year that we are rushing through unwrapping gifts, hurrying to get dressed to head out to my sister's where we rush through opening up gifts so that we can hurry to Cheryl's mother's so that we can sit down and have dinner. It's too much. I just want to spend the day with my family, where the kids can enjoy their presents, and it can just be peacefull. I am all about peace this year.

Speaking of Christmas, Santa was good to everyone this year. He brought an American Girl doll for Katie with a couple of changes of clothes for her. Her new doll is named Amanda and has her very own canopy bed. I just got done finding her a mattress and picked up some cute floral fabric to make a sheet set for the bed. There were some other small things, including a Hello Kitty Camera that I can wait to download the pictures from to see things from her perspective. Gillian got an Ipod Nano. We were going to get her the shuffle, indeed had already bought it and then decided that we would go for the Nano for her and I would keep the shuffle for myself. She seems to be plugged into some kind of technology at all times. I guess that is a teenager for you! I bought Cheryl a new camcorder for her Christmas/birthdat present and she has been having a ball making memories for us. I can't wait to download some of the videos's and share them. I got my most coveted Christmas present of all. A Tassimo coffee maker. Google it if you want to know more, but basically, you fill the well with filtered water, and then buy these little disc's that the machine reads and brews a perfect cup of whatever you've put in there. And does it ever make good coffee, latte's, and even Hot Cocoa. We have a monthly plan where they send you more coffee every 4 weeks and I am just in heaven. No more trying to guess how many cups to make. This just makes it one cup at a time!

Well, I have to go, with so much more to write. Cheryl's mom fell and broke her wrist and I need to take her to her follow up appt to make sure it's healing OK! I will be back later with some pictures and more about my life in general.

Wendy

On becoming a writer

2008-12-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

SARK just came out with a new book,Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper that I got ahold of and it's really making me want to actually try and write. I go back and forth with this and usually think of good stuff to write while I am laying in bed at night. I went out and got a USB port to DL stuff to when I do write.

Medically things are still at a standstill with me. I have to go for a heart sono and a sleep study. There is no explaination of why I gained all the water weight that I did. I get so discouraged because I just get to a weight that I am happy about and then BOOM something like this happens.

I have some more cute pictures to upload to show you all the pretty outfits that I have accrued for Katie. I also learned how to make pants and because of that, I am in the process of making a PJ top to match the pants I made and a flannel set for Katie. I am also still quilting, having just made a quick quilt for Katie's dance teacher who just had a baby. I just need to put a few more stitches in to close it up.

Also, I found an awesome series of books that I have really gotten in to. The series is about a Episcopalian preist and his life. The author of the series is Jan Karon and the series is the Mitford Series. I am working on the second book called, A Light In The Window. There is just enough religion that is satisfies me, but not so much that it puts one off.

Anyway, that is the news from here. Look for more writing attempts as time goes on.

Wendy

I was just thinking.....

2008-11-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

I am watching Jon and Kate + 8 with Katie (her favorite show) and wondering if I could have sextuplets, I could have free vacations too. It's been far too long since we've gone on vacation and I just want to go somewhere sunny and relax. Of course, they aren't exactly relaxing with all those kids, so I guess it wouldn't pay off.

I went to the MD yesterday and my liver tests were off so I am going for a US of the abdomin on Thursday to see if there is anything going on. I am so swollen (they had to use KY Jelly and pull and pull to get them off my fingers. I feel so lost without them! But I have gained 20 pounds in water weight and I feel so fat. I know that once the meds kick in and I pee out the water I will be back to where I should be.

SO, I leave you as I always do with some cute pictures of my darling. (The one that will let me take pictures. If you are wondering, these are some darling outfits that Denise over at Matilda Jane Clothing sent us. You are reach her here MJC

The day after......

2008-11-13T10:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I celebrated my 41st birthday! And I got some awesome presents to boot! First, my MIL signed me up for a sewing class. It's a class on making lounge pants which I can't seem to master. I am really excited. I keep wanting to branch out into clothing, but other than some skirts and appliqued tops, I haven't done anything. Once I learn pants, I can start making everyone some lounge pants to lounge around on Sunday after church!

Secondly, I got 2 gift cards! One to Starbucks and another to Barnes and Noble. These were from my Sweetie! I have been wanting to get Bill Bryson's newest book on Shakesphere so this is where that will go. She also took the day off and we ended up doing some Christmas shopping for the kids and had a nice breakfast together and then came home and cuddled while I dozed. It was too quick before it was time to get Katie off the bus and me to go and get Gillian to bring her to an appt. The girls each got me a card and Katie made a picture frame of with a picture of just her and I in it and Gillian gave me a huge bag of M&M's! YUM! Cheryl made me a delectable dinner of Salmon with an apple sauce on top, acorn squash with wild rice cooked in it and pea's! YUM! For dessert she made me banana's foster which I adore and would rather have than cake anyday!

It was the most perfect present ever. If I could wrap the day up and open it up over and over again I would.

And here is Katie yesterday. If you ever buy anything from Mini Boden buy these tights and this dress. The tights are nice and soft and the dress just makes you want to hug her even more than you already do, it's that soft!

I did snap another picture today, but I was reading a great book and lost track of time so I will have to send that picture later.

It gets me every single time

2008-10-31T11:53:00.000-05:00

Just like a sucker punch to the gut. Why do I always have a horrible September and October? Then when I get through the crap, I am reminded in the back of my mind...Duh, you lost your baby boy in September and your father in October. What did I say lost, that almost makes it sound like they can be found. And that is a joke because I will never see either one of them.

I still miss my father with a pain as deep as the soul can feel. I wish everyday that he was here to play with his grandchildren because I know he would have made a hell of a grandpa. So, to those of you whose children still have their grandpa's, call him today and thank him for being the wonderful grandpa that your kids could ever have OK?

And for those of you who have lost a baby, you know the drill. They say it gets easier, but you know what? It doesn't. Not for one bit. It's like a wound that is split wide open and gradually grows together and then slowly grows a scab. The scab routinely gets pulled off, the pain comes back but it isn't quite as bad as it was.

I miss you Dad.

I miss you my baby boy Jared.

I love you both.

You will never ever be forgotten.

Wendy

Gillian's Blog

2008-10-28T16:47:00.002-05:00

Gillian has her very own blog over on wordpress. If you aren't squeamish, go ahead and read!

If you google gils uc story you should be able to find it, or e-mail me and I will fwd you the link. I am too tired to try and fight with the computer to make the link work right!

I have been sleeping most of the day and night as I am in a bad flare right now. Everything has caught up with me. I promise I will write more as I am able!
Wendy

We are home!

2008-10-22T17:03:00.000-05:00

Gillian came home today! Yippee! Now I am on a quest to try and make her some colostomy bag covers. I think I can do them, but I am still a newbie at the sewing machine. I can't wait to get back to my machine and finish Katie's quilt, finish the Easter Dress that I started for her a while back, finish a Halloween quilt that I started and then last but not least, finish the quilt I started cutting out for Gillian. Then I can get to work on the projects that I haven't started yet!

I also want to make Gillian some flannel pants so that she has some comfortable pants to wear with her ostomy around the house. I stink at making pants. I have tried, believe me, but have never gotten it down. I am guessing that I need to have someone show me for the first time and then I will have it.

Wendy

Success!

2008-10-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry to keep you all waiting but sleep had to come first. I am heading back off to bed, but wanted to let everyone know that she had a semi colectomy on Friday and the colon was very sick. Gillian is the proud new owner of a stoma and a colostomy bag. She loves the stoma (for some reason) and is very proud of the noises that it makes along with the waste that it makes. And for the first time in 5 years she is Colitis pain free. She has some surgical pain, but has a morphine pump for that and is using it less and less each day. I actually came home tonight to sleep with my family and left Gillian alone at the hospital since she doesn't have to get up and go to the bathroom all night and she slept good last night. She'll call me if she needs me.

More later and maybe some pictures. She is documenting everything and we even gave the surgeon a camera to take into the operating room to take a pic of the part of the colon her took out. She is taking pics of her stoma and everything that involves it. That's my girl I tell ya. I have lots to tell you about everything, but I can't really put a coherent thought together right now, so more later OK?
Wendy (mom to STOMA girl!)

Sugery is set

2008-10-14T19:10:00.001-05:00

For this Friday at 1PM EST. Any prayers and well wishes are most appreciated. Gillian was visited by a girl who has gone through what she is about to go through and that helped a lot. She has decided to name her stoma Pablo and has been playing with her Ostomy supplies, figuring them out, etc. She shows everyone who comes in and I am planning to try and make some covers this weekend. The girl that came up to visit her brought 2 covers and a pattern, so I am going to try and make some funky covers. She likes tye die and rainbow so I am going to search for fabric like that. So, she will go through the 1st of 3 surgeries on Friday and have most of her colon removed. When that heals, then she will go in for the 2nd surgery where the small intestine will be made into a pouch and be readied for the reversal. Any one who is interested in learning more about this can go to J Pouch and find information there. Cheryl and I continue to support her by spending the night with her, switching off and on every other night and I stay with her during the day. Cheryl is trying to save her time for her surgeries.

Of course I heard back from my lawyer today which usually means that we are getting ready to go back to court. What a time huh? Well, we will get through it. I keep praying everyday for God to give me strength and he always comes through.

And Katie is hanging in there. We are all troopers. We really are, even when we don't feel like it. Off to put Katie to bed. Night everyone!
Wendy

Sugery is set

2008-10-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

12 days into this....

2008-10-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

And I think we are still sane. Do we have a choice? We are waiting for Gillian's surgeon to come back from out of town before she goes in for her first surgery out of three. She will come out of that surgery with a ileostomy. The surgery that she is having (for you Google fans) is called a Subtotal Colectomy w/Ileostomy. That is the first one. The there will be 2 more before we are finished.

I personally am finished. I can whine,grouse, bitch, etc, but it's not going to change anything. Gillian refuses to do school work up here and I worry about her ability to graduate. She thinks that she will just go back to school and all will be well. Meanwhile she is doing color by numbers and texting. At least she won't forget how a pencil moves or how to spell :)

Katie was a spit fire last night. Her teacher told her she was going to meet with a counselor today and she was all up in arms about it. The poor child just wants her family home (and her family wants nothing more than that) and to top it all off, Grandma is leaving today to go to DC for the long weekend.

Anyway, we are handeling things. Looks like another blood transfusion is on it's way either today or tomorrow. I am guessing it will be here about 15 minutes after I fall asleep because that seems to be when things happen around here. Just you try to get some sleep, just you try. It's like the taunt you, "Now's a good time to get some sleep" what they don't tell you is that 15 minutes after you fall asleep they will come in with some life making decision to make and you are so tired and your ability to make a decision to go pee is out the window, let alone making a decision to have your daughter transfused.

Well, that is my attempt at humor for the day. I know her teacher must be peeing in her pants laughing, since everyday the kid comes to school in a kooky outfit (you wouldn't believe what she will talk her mother into wearing) and her hair down. Not that I am tooting my own horn..well, I kind of am, but when I put her on the bus, she is matching and her hair is done. Cheryl. you need to learn how to put the child's hair up...I am begging you! LOL!

Over and out from a sleep deprived Mommy!
Wendy

Things are a changin'

2008-10-08T09:18:00.000-05:00

OK, so scratch the last post. Things have changed and we are now at option 2, which is them building Gillian up enough to have surgery. They will take out part of her colon, give her and ostomy. When that heals, then they will take the rest of her colon out, make a small pouch from the small intestine, create an ostomy out of that and when that heals and the SI learns how to do the job of the colon, she will have reconnection surgery. 3 surgeries in about 6 months or so. The name of the surgery she is going to have (for those of you who like to look things up on the net) is SubTotal Coletomy with Ileostomy. I am purposely staying off the net because there is a lot of scary stuff out there.

Gillian is in massive pain. You know when a 16 year old wants an ostomy, that it must be bad. She had a blood transfusion the night before last and that helped. She is getting Morphine now and that is helping too.

Katie is a mess. She is crying at school, not wanting to leave us. This morning I put her on the bus and she told me while we were waiting for the bus that she is having a hard time getting her work done because she is worried. Break my heart. Oh, wait, it's already broken. I miss her so much when I spend the night at the hospital and all Katie wants is for her family to be home. We all want that. I just told her that the best thing that she can do is to do her work and try to have fun at school. We tell her everyday what to expect, "Where is Mommy going to be, where is Mama going to be, who is getting you off the bus, etc." and we make sure she gets to Ballet and Soccer so that she has some real continuity.

Our church family has been wonderful. Dropping off food of and on so there is always something to eat in the fridge. Coming up to visit Gillian and say hi to us.

I do believe that God has us in His hands. That is the belief getting me through these days.
Wendy

Cheryl is still working as much as she can, but can take FMLA. We are trying to save that time for when Gillian has the actual surgery since there will be 3 of them.

Shit Happens

2008-10-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

This may possibly be the most difficult post I will ever write. I am writing to you from Crouse Hospital where my 16 year old daughter is lying in a bed next to me hooked up to meds through a PIC line. She can no longer eat or drink for 2 months and will receive all of her nutrition through TPN (Total Parenteal Nutrition) She is also being started on Remicade tonight to get her colon as healthy as possible to remove. Yes, I said remove. She is going to have surgery in 2 months to take out her colon and she will have a temporary colostomy/iliostomy. They will take her small intestine and make a pouch and once that learns how to act like a colon, they will go in and put that in and she should be able to live a normal life.

Katie is sick. When the surgeon was here, school called to say she had a fever. She was seen at the MD today and it's just a cold. SO, now we have to worry about cross contamination. Plus the poor child's world is un an uproar with only one of us being there at night. Cheryl and I are taking turns being with Gillian at the hospital.

I can't write anymore. I am so tired.
Wendy

Writers block

2008-09-27T17:18:00.000-05:00

Another cute picture to start your day!

And as the title suggests, I have writers block. How come I always think of witty and fun, even deep things to write about just before I fall asleep at night? And then the next day, when I get up, I sit and stare at the computer just waiting for those thoughts to pop out again. My goal this school year was to write a book. I could write about any number of things. Here is the list:

1) My childhood (everyone writes those)
2) My foray into the world of infertility (and the result of that X's 2)
3) Being a lesbian and writing about said foray
4) Being chronically disabled
5) Coming out as a lesbian
6) Being the first (and so far only) person in my family to have a Master's Degree (although fat lot of good it's doing me while I sit around on my fat ass thinking about all the things I could write about)
7) My experiences with religion. This is one that I could seriously get into, but it's really emotional.
8) My experience of being sexually abused by an older woman as a teen and it's effect that it has on me today.
9)My children - there is always lots to write about there
10) My passion regarding children's clothing, my attempts to create said clothing and the result - my love of quilting.

So, that is the short list. I really want to write something that will helpl people . I don't know what that is. So, I keep sitting here, on my fat ass, wondering what to write about!

Wendy

Definition of CUTE!

2008-09-23T12:44:00.000-05:00

This is Katie this morning heading out the door to school. She looks to old to me for some reason. I think it's finally sinking in, she's in SCHOOL and going to stay there. I am trying to find some routine for my day, so that I am not just walking around the house, or even worse, out speding money. Anyway, I thought I would share my cutie with you.

I Just Know This Week Will Be Better

2008-09-21T17:17:00.000-05:00

So many times I think about giving this blog up. I forget, life get's busy and when I think of something witty to say, it's usually about the time I am ready to fall asleep. As much as I would like to jump out of bed, fire up the computer and write it all down, I am usually asleep before I can finish the thought!

This past week has been the week from hell. Gillian and I got sick on Friday, and sure enough, by Sunday, I was in the ER. I couldn't keep anything down, including my pain meds. Little did I know that going to the ER, and then subsequently getting admitted would turn out to be a nightmare. It took them 12 tries to get an IV in me. Of course there was no one there to do a PIC line, which is what I was told I would need the last time I was in the hospital. You know what makes me the maddest? I found out on Monday that they did have someone that could put one in, they just didn't. Anyway, I digress. Many of you know that I take some pretty heavy duty pain meds for the debilitating that I experience as a result of back surgery gone wrong. When I vomit them up, I go into withdrawl, which just makes me sicker. It also makes me feel like I am a junky. So, they were giving me pain meds through the IV, but what I take is extended release, and what they were giving me was POP and then come down. Well, I would be OK for the first hour or 2 and then slowly I would start to shake, vomit, get the cold sweats, etc. It was horrible and I was crying and just feeling out of control. While this was happening, I got a male nurse (nothing against them) and he began to ask me, "Do you take your pain meds as prescribed? Do you ever take more than you've been prescribed?, etc" He even went so far as to make me show him my scar on my back (no matter that I had my surgery in the same hospital and he could have just looked up and had access to my medical records. I started to get defensive and he then said, "When you get defensive, then I tend not to believe you". Oh, I was hopping mad. Finally, I asked them to put me back on my meds that I was on (and they wouldn't do this until they called the pain clinic I go to to verify that I was indeed on all these meds). Once they did that, I started to feel better as they were bolusing me the other pain meds too. It took my back pain away for a while and it was such relief.

One thing that I mentioned to this male nurse I had was that I was planning to go on a pain patch instead of taking pills orally. I am also on so many meds for my stomach that this would help this problem. Anyway, the male nurse made a point of coming back to my room, sat down and then started talking about how they only give the patch to terminal and elderly people who are going to die and they don't have to worry about addiction. Well, I am here to tell you that I am going to be on pain meds unless they fix my back because when the pain meds wore off, I was in the most incredible pain. Any fantasy that I harbored about going off the meds and toughing it out went right out the window. I will go for my appt next month at the pain clinic and start the process of weaning off the oral meds and building up the patch. I just think for me, it's a win, win situation. I live in fear of vomiting and when it happens, then I always end up in the hospital. So, that was my weekend and start to my week.

While all this was going on, Gillian was also sick. Her Ulcerative Colitis (UC) kicked into full gear and since she had taken herself off her meds, she was in a really bad place. She was vomiting and going to the bathroom so much that I was worried about her. And although Cheryl was home to take care of her, she would still call me and cry that she wanted me. Talk about feeling like a shithead. Cheryl took her to the MD's office and they started her back on her meds. The same ones. They didn't seem to be worried about her Eosinophilia or anemia that the 6MP caused and I guess from what I hear, the other meds have far worse side effects. They put her on a med that acts as a steroid, but without the side effects. Problem was, it causes an upset stomach and she threw them all up. I finally took her to the ER last night. We got there at 3PM and finally got home at Midnight. They had trauma after trauma and it was so frustrating. They put in an IV, gave her fluids, morphine and Zofran. She is feeling much better today. They also started her on Prednisone which did she ever pitch a fit about. She refused at first so they started her paperwork to admit her and she'd have to be in for 8 days on Prednisone. Now at least she is on it orally and tomorrow when I speak with the gastro MD, we can hopefully begin to taper down. Being in the hospital for 8 days would certainly put a crimp in her style because they are going to start filming for M*DE (the MTV show) this week.

Yes, she was chosen! Another exciting event going on in our house. School has been so hard on this poor kid. The day she started school, she opened her locker and founf that someone had etched the word FAG in her locker. The school is finally taking this bullying and harrassment seriously. I knew something was going on, but not how bad it was. She didn't want to come to me because she knew that I would go to the administration and she was afraid the kids would get into trouble and it would come back on her double fold. What am I supposed to do as a parent? I want to protect my child, but I also want her to learn how to protect herself. She's going to be in college in a year and a half and I am not always going to be there.

Well, this leaves Katie and Cheryl. Katie has adjusted wonderfully to Kindergarten. I love her teacher and it's obvious how much Katie's teacher likes her too. You cna just tell. And Katie really likes her teacher too. It's a great match. I go to school on Thursday and help out in the lunch room. Katie was going to learn to buy millk that day and my MD appt went over and I missed it. I felt horrible. Like the worst parent imaginable. I got to school right after they went back to class. They called her down and her teacher brought her. Katie proudly told me that she helped Mrs. S how to buy HER lunch! And they laughed because they both forgot their straws! What good hands my baby is in!

Cheryl has been taking care of Gillian and I. Poor thing is worn out. It seems that it never gets to be her turn to be taken care of. I guess I need to remidy that situation. If I keep saying "when things calm down, then I will do it" it will never get done, because I seriously doubt that things will ever become calm in this house.

So, Tap, Ballet and Soccer continue. Gillian will be filming for 6 weeks and working and going to school. Cheryl plugs away at her job to bring money home so that we can all survive. And I still wait. Wait for the SSD that is sitting on the judges desk. So much for the bulged disc that he and the SSD MD's said that I had. A surgery later, more incredible pain later and we still wait.....

If anyone out there has any words of wisdom that they think will help move this along faster, I am happy to hear them. I do have an attorney. I guess right now, I just need hope. Hope that one day we won't be in this financial hole we are in (and my shopping to relive stress doesn't help at all). I have become hopelessly addicted to children's clothes, buying fabric to make quilts and then putting them away to make. I will give myself credit that I do make them. I am learning more and more, but even that is difficult to do because of my back.

So, I will ply you all with more pictures of cute kids and the family doing fun things as they come along....let me know you are out there if you are reading me. It's nice to know that I am not talking to myself!

Wendy

Back to school!

2008-09-04T08:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened, Katie went to Kindergaten and Gillian went to 11th grade. You see no pictures of Gillian because she is waaaay too old for that, dontcha know? I was a wreck all day, but when she got off that bus, smiling ear to ear, I knew that all had gone well and that it was going to be OK. We finally got her day out of her and she really had a blast. She was really excited that the teacher called her up at story time and read her shirt, "Kindergarten Rocks" to the whole class and put it up on the board. (I had the outfit custom made). Of course she picked her own outfit today and it was her most coveted Hannah Montana Tee, with her Denim Hello Kitty skirt (and some gym shorts that I insisted she wear under it) with her pink high tops. I rolled my eyes when she said she wanted to wear her pink high tops, but it really made the outfit. I will have to snap a pic when she gets home, because she looked like a real rock star.

As for Gillian, I think she was glad to be back in school, now considered an upperclassman (how in the heck did that happen?) and got her favorite courses, Environmental Science and Creative Writing and Psychology. She was a happy camper. And if she's a happy camper, then so is everyone else. Gillian has her own fashion sense and she looked pretty snazzy yesterday too! I wish she would have let me take some pics.

So, the cleaning person is here, I am going to see if I can find some jeans to fit my big butt and then get back here for the kiddo's. We were lucky enough to get Katie's list before school, but tonight I have to brave the crowds and hope there is enough to get her stuff.

Labor Day pics!

2008-09-01T16:12:00.001-05:00

Here are some beautiful customs that I had made by Tracy Tobias at shopperscloset@yahoo.com . If you like what you see, e-mail her and she will be happy to help you! These outfits were made out of fabric that I bought at Fabric Bliss during a Euro Pre-Order that she had a while back. I was in love with the fabric and knew that I just wasn't talented enough to do them justice. So, I sent the fabric to Tracy and she made this beautiful twirl skirt and then she used a beautiful Euro pattern to create the Katie shirt and pants. I think they are both so cute! And the fabric are just scrumptious! Enjoy.

Next, be on the lookout for back to school pics! Katie has her lunch made already (in the fridge) and she has her orientation tomorrow to meet her teacher and other kids in her class. I am going to lug all her supplies in tomorrow so that she won't have to worry about that on the bus.

I am very tearful about school starting, but I stocked up on fabric, and have a lot of project to do. I also am going to be very serious about sitting down at least an hour a day to write. Who knows what will come of that!

Wendy

Another rainy day

2008-08-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

Lots going on in the house, nothing I really want to write about. I feel physically done in for. The new pain meds I am on make me really drowsy and groggy. I did sew for a bit yesterday, which helped a lot to get me going. I started out making Katie a skirt out of charm packs and quickly realized that I didn't have enough, so together, Katie and I put together a quick little quilt that we are going to send to Katie's friend Abby that just moved to K.Y. It turned out really cute and as soon as the binding is on, I will send a pic. I also have to go and get some more pink thread to finish Katie's quilt. I went through my stash and have so many projects in front of me, that I think I will spend my time with the kids in school sewing and trying to refine my technique.

So, speaking of school, I am not trying to think about it. I can't stand the fact that Katie is going to be gone all day! But, I am trying really hard not to let her know that I am sad about it, because she is really excited, which is right where I want her to be!

And Gillian is excited to get another year under her high school belt. She is really looking forward to going to college, although she is really thinking about going to school here for 2 years before deciding where she'd like to be. Smart thinking on her part!

Well, that's today's update. Oh, has anyone been following those Democrats? What do you think about Obama and Biden?

Wendy

Extreme Home Makeover.....

2008-08-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Is in a town near us! It's one of Katie's favorite shows and we promised her that we would take her to go and see it. So, we went today and she was just so mesmerized. We actually saw Didi and John and Katie just took it all in. Then she cried when I told her we had to leave. I mean, they were just working, and it was hot and well, we stayed...for a little while longer. Of course I forgot to bring the camera but I got some cell phone pics and I promised her that I would bring her back on Monday when the family comes home. Too bad it's an hour and a half away huh? Oh well, it will be worth it to see the family come home. BTW - if you are interested, just google EHM geneva NY and you can read all about it.

It really was cool seeing the house going up so fast. And watching them tape....it's so scripted in so many places. We can't wait to see if they put in the part that we watched them tape!

Sweet 16

2008-08-05T12:14:00.001-05:00

Today I gave birth to my first born daughter. After 27 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and an emergency C-Section, Gillian was born. It was an amazing, beautiful time. I remember it like it was yesterday. Gillian was 2 weeks overdue and I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. I went in on the 4th knowing that it could take several days for her to be born. I was induced at 7am on the 5th and at Noon, my water broke with meconium. Around 6PM, the major contractions started. I thought I would be able to handle them with no problem. Just breathe a little and voila! Well, at 10PM, I was begging for meds, epidural, ANYTHING and the nurse said I had to be at least 3CM's and refused to check me because the monitor wasn't really showing any contractions. Everytime I had a contraction I would sit up and mess up the tracing. The nurse finally came back at 3AM and checked me and said I was 6CM's and I could have an epidural. The MD came in and gave me the blessed epidural and I went to sleep until they woke me up at 6AM, checked me, declared me fully dialated with a lip. They had my start pushing, but the baby wasn't engaged. They did some kind of test and noticed that her oxygen was low and said I needed a c-section stat. So, everything started happening in a blur and the next thing I knew, Gillian was born. The whole time I was pregnant, I thought I was having a boy and all the sono's I had never showed the sex. So, when they said it was a girl, I was so, so surprised. They took her away because it was a crash section and after a while, brought her back to me in recovery. I remember holding her and thinking to myself, "OH my God, what have I done?" The enormity of the responsibilty that was handed to me in that baby was overwhelming. But from there on, we've been a team her and I. Learnig to breastfeed, potty training, traveling, just being together. So, it was only fitting that the first thing we did this morning was to head down to the DMV and apply for her learners permit! She passed the test the first time and we went to a parking lot so she could practice. She did much better than I thought, but we still have a way to go before we are ready to hit the open road.

So, to my darling daughter. Happy Sweet 16 sweetie! I love you!

Mom

Just me and my girl......

2008-07-31T19:05:00.000-05:00

Oh how I love this child! The summer slowly creeps by, school waiting to steal her from me. But for now, she's all mine! We are having such fun this summer. And while she is at playground, Gillian and I have been having some Mom and me time too, before school steals her back. 11th grade already...college seeking this year. And next Tuesday, she will be taking her permit to drive test. Already? It seems like just yesterday, she was being whisked away onto that big yellow school bus...but until September.....

Summer Lovin"

2008-07-18T15:38:00.001-05:00

This is going to be Katie's fist day of school outfit! I got this great iron on and then had Kate from Monkeysbug make us the shirt with the capri's! I thought it came out so cute.

Isn't this the most adorable outfit? You have to head over to Everything But The Princess and pick up some great deals. Last year I bought a cute outfit from Room Seven through this site and there was an issue with it. The site owner fixed it quickly and I have been a loyal customer ever since. Well, I just bought another outfit, but still. I love this site and the sales just blow me away. This is an outfit from Mim Pi which is new to us. Runs a tad small, but will get us through the summer.

So, to finance all this, I have been listing like crazy and was able to sell quite a bit of last year's stuff in order to finance this years stuff. I had a great credit saved up at Mini Boden so I was able to pick up some cute stuff there too. Unfortunately, the pants aren't going to fit us this year as Katie is between sizes, so I stuck to skirts and shirts.

Now, onto more important stuff! Gillian is going to be 16 in a couple of weeks. She doesn't want a party, she just wants to go and get her permit! I am going to be teaching my baby how to drive soon. I can't believe it. Can you all believe that some of her friends are getting cars for their 16th birthday's? I am just shocked! I guess I shouldn't be, but what 16 year old needs their own car? Of course Gillian would answer "ME"! She is saving for a car, but she has no clue about insurance and all the other stuff that comes with cars. I am trying to adjust to giving her more freedom and sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. We are all learning. I just wish that I could shop for cute clothes for her, but she definately has her own style so we just go and she picks out what she wants. She also is in a no pictures of me stage...but I will get her when I can. Trust me!

Cheryl is still working her butt off so we can pay the bills and keep us clothed, fed and gas in the car. I am still not working, but that might change when Katie starts school. I am contemplating putting my name in to sub, but not sure that I can do it. We'll have to see. I still haven't written Seminary off either, I just don't know what to do. I guess I am having a mid life crisis!

Well, that is it for now. More later....

Summer Pics

2008-07-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

Here is a sampling of our summer so far. Gillian has decided that she doesn't like to have her picture taken these days so it's rare that I get one! More to come!

Relaxing at the beach! And if you love the dress, head over to Etsy and check out MonkeysBug's shop! She made the pattern for this dress (and made the dress too!)

Katie with Alice from Alice In Wonderland as we walked down storybook Lane at EFWS!

Gillian and her friend, Mama and Katie all ready to get on the Bumper Cars at Enchanted Forest Water Safari! We had a great time!

Getting ready to swing!

Ballet Beauty! Hopefully I will be able to scan in the professional pics!

I love the sprinkler!

Bad, Bad Blogger!

2008-07-06T22:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone. I have been so busy, I feel as though I have lost my mind. Right now, I am up waiting for Gillian to get home from being out late for the first time with her friends. So, I thought I would take the time to update you all....

Gillian - will be 16 in less than a month! She is already looking forward to getting her permit and starting to learn how to drive! Me, I am not so much looking forward to it. I really wanted to give her a Sweet 16 party, but she doesn't want one. I think we might get her the PS2 with DDR since that is what she has been craving lately. Mostly, she just wants to learn how to drive. She passed all her classes including her Regents! For those of you who know the struggles that she has been through know what a major accomplishment this is...WTG to Gillian. She is also working, scooping ice cream at a local ice cream shop and enjoying her summer. Seems we haven't had a night or weekend off in forever! I just can't tell you all how proud I am of my girl!

Katie - Starts playground tomorrow morning and will be there until mid-July when she will then take a week of VBS and then home for the week before school starts! Kindergarten no less. I am working on getting her wardrobe up to snuff for school...you know me...all bows and matching tights! I have quite a lot saved up in credit at Mini Boden, but pants are going to be an issue this year, so I am getting a couple of skirts and lots of shirts to put with jeans. I actually had her go through the catalog and pick out what she wanted. She went for the skirts and tights! I am busy going through all her clothes to see what fits. Denise DeMarchis over at Matilda Jane Clothing has some cute summer dresses that have been perfect for the hot summer days and I am hoping the winter dresses we have will still fit this year. I managed to get some Hanna's in 120, so after we find some pants to fit, we'll be set. Now, onto Katie...she "graduated" from Pre-K and is now ready for Kindy! I can't wait to see her get on that bus and hear all about her first day! She had her T-Ball games but was more interested in talking with her friends on base. She also had her Dance Recital (pics to come) that was just so dang cute. I loved it all. She's taking Jazz and Ballet this summer so we'll still be busy!

Cheryl - took this past week off (we were supposed to go to a family reunion, but a caving entry way took care of that for us). We did end up going to a local water park and had a great time. I have some great pics of the girls that I need to put up. We went to friends of ours yesterday as their son and daughter were graduating and had such a nice time. Then we ended the "vacation" by heading to Lake Ontario today and swimming and hanging at the beach! I don't want Cheryl to head back to work, but someone has to make the money to pay the bills!

Wendy - Same ol stuff. I thought I was having a heart attack the other night but a quick trip to Urgent Care and I was dx'd with some muscle spasm's in my chest area. Whew. I thought it was anxiety, but I did something to my arm and it radiated up to my chest wall. I still have my good days and bad and just try to get through.

I will try and get some pics up tomorrow or Tuesday while Katie is at playground. We've played and had fun!
Wendy

Father's Day.....

2008-06-16T18:26:00.000-05:00

Most of you know that my father was killed in a work related accident 30+ years ago. I miss him terribly. I think about him a lot and can only imagine how my life would have been different had he lived. I wish he would have had a chance to meet Cheryl and I wish he would have had a chance to meet and get to know his grandchildren. He would have been an awesome grandfather. Dad, I know you know this, but I miss you and love you. This father's day was even sadder for me because it's the first one since my grandfather's death. My grandfather's death has affected me profoundly. I know, he was old and sick. I know that he was suffering and I know that he is in a better place. I was very lucky to have my grandfather in my life for as long as I did. Most people don't get to be 40 and still have their grandparents. But I miss him. I didn't go to either grave sites on father's day because I know that I would just be too sad, besides, I have been to both repeatedly and placed flowers and flags on both.

Today I went to Seminary and visited. I think my grandfather's death has brought me much closer to God. I don't know why I feel this calling to go to Seminary, I just do. I still don't know if I will enroll and if I do, whether I will work on my MDiv and become a minister or get a MA in Theology. In either case I will go on to get a doctorate and either become a Rev. Dr. or just a Dr. I don't know that if I become a minister that I will preach in a church or rather become a chaplain in a jail and/or hospital. Or perhaps God will call me to minister in a church. If I go for the MA in Theology and then get a Phd then I will probably teach in the University. Either way, I sense that after Gillian graduates from high school Cheryl and I may move. Again, I am following God's lead in this because He is the only one who really knows the ultimate plan.

That's all for today. I am going to get Katie to bed and read for a while before going to bed since we were up at 6 in order to get to Rochester by 8. Good night all

wendy

Sorry

2008-06-13T18:21:00.000-05:00

Everything is fine, I have just been really, really busy with end of the school year stuff, ballet recitals, T-ball games and well just about everything else. I have some great pictures to download, a ton of stuff to e-bay and lots of sewing projects that are just waiting for me to finish them (or start them altogether). I always promised myself that I would never be one of those sewers with half finished projects and well, I am.

I am really having a hard time with Katie ending pre-K and heading off to Kindy next year. We were watching some baby shows together today and it struck me that this really was it. My soon to be 16 year old is going to be driving soon and my 5 year old is really going to kindy.

I am going on Monday to Colgate Rochester for the day to check it out. Not sure what will pan out of it. I have to try though. I have to do something. I for sure will volunteer at school, I will for sure be driving the 16 year old around. Or holding on white knuckled while she drives....

But, I have to do something for me. I really hope that SSD comes through soon. I can't stand living like this. Constantly worrying about money. Not being able to do anything extra. I mean we have enough to live, it's not dire or anything like that. But we just keep living without doing anything extra. And I shouldn't really complain because there are a lot of people who can't even make ends meet. But the pressure on Cheryl is immense, I feel guilty and is just keeps goign on and on.

Blah, enough of that. It's going to be a fun summer. We did splurge and get a park pass so I can take the girls to the beach. That's it....we'll become beach bums!

Wendy

OK, OK.....

2008-05-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

I wasn't quite ready to share the news, but I am seriously considering attending Seminary. Now, before you go and get all hepped up, I am not even sure that this will pan out. I have so many things to check, like how am I going to get this paid for, which curriculum am I going to go for, etc. The school I am looking at Colgate Rochester, is Baptist by tradition. I can either go for my MDiv and become a minister or a MA in Religion and tie it into my MSW. They have a MA program in Religion with emphasis on Gender and Women's Study and that really intrigues me. Like I said, I just have some "small" things to work out. If that doesn't pan out, I don't know what I will do. I don't even physically know if I can DO school because of my not being able to sit. I am going to go sometime in the next few weeks and spend a day there and see how it pans out.

If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I will do. I really need a way to make money and I was offered a per diem position, but don't know much about it because I haven't pursued it. I really can't sit for long. In fact, I can't do much for long and it's very exasperating. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a woe is me post.

So, that is the news. I will update as we go along, but I do know that SSD isn't coming anytime soon and my baby is going to Kindergarten next year and I just can't SIT all day waiting for my kids to come home.

Wendy

In Memorium....

2008-05-27T18:41:00.000-05:00

I think if you click on the actual pictures, you can see them closer up. It is still really hard for me to go there and actually see the stone there. I cry everytime. I miss my grandfather so much, although I am really glad that he's not suffering anymore. I ran through the scenerio of his dying so many times in my mind over the past few years that to have it be real just makes it more painful. Sometimes I wish we were back to it not being real. My grandfather was my hero. He was in WWII and worked hard his whole life. I can only hope to be like him in my lifetime. I miss you grandpa.

Both sides together.

My grandfather's side alone...

Katie placing the flag!

I hate blogger sometimes

2008-05-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

And this is one of them! I wanted to do a nice remembrance of my grandfather since they just laid down his gravemarker and the pretty flowers that we put there along with a flag since he was a staff Seargant in WWII, but blogger won't let me upload any pics right now. So, I will have to try again tomorrow.

I hope you all had a nice day. We went to a parade this morning and then went to my Grandfather's grave to put flowers there with a flag. Yesteday, I took some flowers to plant at my father's grave.

Anyway, be on the lookout for some pics of the beautiful marker my family picked to honor my grandfather.

And I will be making a HUGE announcement in the coming days! I have made a major life decision in the past few weeks, that has kept me up at night and made me really prayed a lot. But I still have some more work to do on my end to finish up before the announcement!

Wendy

Trying to fix it!

2008-05-11T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am aware that the slideshow is huge and I am trying to fix it! Bear with me and if anyone has any idea's on how to make is smaller, let me know OK? Now scroll down and enjoy the show!

Lake Placid Camping Trip

2008-05-11T19:01:00.002-05:00

It was the Bomb! There is a story behind the first pic....notice one child sleeping bag next to the adult sleeping bag? You know what should be there right? 2 adult sleeping bags, zipped together, creating a nice bed for 2 adults. But, a certain 5 year old, in a very tentative voice began the first night with, "Mommy, it's dark in here" Mommy, this isn't home", "Mommy, can I sleep with you?" So, I slept on top, Katie and Mama slept in their bags and Gillian slept on bottom. Other than the fact that I can't walk, this trip was the BOMB! We visited the Ausuble River, Whiteface Mountain and the many Olympic sites...the tall ski jumps, the luge run, etc. Everything was closed, but just seeing it was so cool! And the kids....they got along, Gillian and Katie were good and it was just a great trip! It will take me some time to recover....but it was worth it! Enjoy the video!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

PreSchool Fun

2008-05-06T18:51:00.000-05:00

There is nothing sweeter in this world than seeing your child singing and having a great time. Her class put on a great parent appreciation party today. In the first song they were singing about friends and in the last one, they were driving cars and putting glasses, scarves, hats, etc,....on. It was too cute for words. We had such a great time watching it. I can't believe that my baby is going to Kindergarten next year, ALL DAY!

On another note, all the pretty fabric that I have ammassed has been packaged up and is flying through the air to a new home to those who sew much better than I. Sad? No way! I will be getting the fabrics back, in great new outfits for Katie! I think I am really going to concentrate on quilting for now. I really enjoy it more and I feel more satisfied when I do it. I will keep learning how to sew clothing, but I get very defeated very quickly when I see people sew outfits that take one afternoon while the same thing takes me weeks. I have Katie's quilt top done, just need to fill it, back it and quilt it. I am really struggling with what to do. Not sure whether I am good enough to stipple or stick to stitch in the ditch. It's really appealing to take it down to the quilt shop and have them put it on their machine. But that would be cheating.....

Wendy

Another one of those days

2008-05-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a blah post, so feel free to skip right over it. I woke up this morning, not feeling myself. I hate those days. Just hate them. Yesterday my daughter was gay bashed at school and I am so angry about it. I feel so powerless. I hate those kids that did it. 2 seperate incidents! At least the teacher that heads up their GSA is going to the principal about it, but I want to storm in there and demand that they do something to make my daughter SAFE! It doesn't help that she is really struggling with normal teen stuff....peers and fitting in, but then to get this on top of it just put her over the edge. To see her tear stained face when I picked her up just about broke my heart. I am learning though, that I can't just rush and help, I have to let her work things out for herself. Don't read that I won't do something if I think it needs parental assistance, but I feel as though the real power she gets is taking the issue and doing something about it. It's that tightrope balancing act that we as parents have to do with our teens. I will be talking with the advisor to see where he got with administration, but if that doesn't work, then the head of the LGBTQ Center that she goes to, Cheryl and I will be heading in to speak with the principal. I really hope that it doesn't have to escalate any further than that. Anyway, good thoughts for our up and coming queer kids are appreciated. Kids can be so cruel can't they?

This whole thing of course set off her colitis and she missed work. They were so good about it, but she just started and I hate to see her lose her job. When I talked with the manager this morning (went in to get my coffee) she said that if she had shown up to work sick, they would have sent her home. I felt better about that.

So, back to me. I am just feeling blah today. Worrying about the world and everyone in it. I would like to just sit back and read, but Katie is off today and we are working on a secret project (Can't tell you just yet)! So, I am off to face the world.

Wendy

Summer is a comin'

2008-04-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

My very first dress. Of course there is a story behind this. This is supposed to be a tiered shirt that goes over a pair of capri's. The capri's are now the third tier of the dress since I messed them up so badly. I do have more material to make the capri's and will just so I can learn how to, but geesh, it's a lot harder than it looks, let me tell ya! I still have to fuss with the ruffle on the dress, but I am pretty proud of my first dress!

And of course all dresses must pass the twirlability test in our house!

Too many bows?

2008-04-24T08:06:00.000-05:00

Is there such a thing as too many bows? Nah! Here are all the bows that I have ammassed over the course of my clothing addiction for Katie. I have found some wonderful women on the loops that I belong too that have made these for us over the years. I always sell off the bows that go with the outfits, so you can only imagine how many bows there would be if I didn't do that. And I have gone to having 2 bows made because for some reason Katie's hair does much better in 2 pony's than one.

Here is Katie waiting for the bus! I bought this dress 2 years ago when I friend of mine went to the Hanna outlet for me! Then, last year when we went to the high scale outlet mall and ended up at a Mall in Westchester with a Hanna store, I bought the shorts that I thought matched it along with the socks. Well, they don't match exactly, but it's good enough for me! And see the bows? They were made to go with another outfit, but they went well enough for me with this one!

And I am still sewing. I am putting the finishing touches on another dress that I made. It started out as a shirt with capri's under it. I messed up badly on capri's (going to try again), but a good seamstress doesn't throw away her fabric, she just takes it and adds it to the dress. I am just adding the bottom ruffle and then going to take another crack at the capri's. It's going to be darn cute if I do say so myself! And I still have that Easter dress to finish! I WILL FINISH IT if it's the last thing I do! LOL!

Wendy

Still sewing

2008-04-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around. I have been busy trying to recover from the trip! I'ts definately taken a toll on my body. This is the first time we have gone somewhere since my back surgery and it was rough. Sitting in a car for 7 hours and then sleeping in a different bed. Not to mention all the running around I had to do when I got back. I still have several project out there in sewing land that I am trying to finish up. But, until I am done with those, here are some pictures from our trip!

For some reason Gillian felt the need to "kiss" all the animals! She asked me to take pics to send to her friends. 15 year olds sure can be weird!

Look at the size of that Hippo!

Katie all ready for her big day at the zoo!

Vegged out in front of a video in the car!

So there you have it, a snap shot view of our trip. I am almost finshed with my first dress/capri set so I better get moving while I have the time to sew!
Wendy

DC or BUST!

2008-04-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

We are having a BLAST in DC! We got in yesterday and are visiting with Cheryl's brother. We drove down with Cheryl's mom and other than a small glitch of MIL not understand why Katie has to ride in a car seat, it went well. I have to admit that traveling with 2 kids almost 11 years apart is a challenge. Katie is asleep at 8:30PM and Gillian was busy text messaging her friends until the wee hours of the morning. Since MIL is paying for our hotel room, we are all in the same room. UGH and double UGH! But, it's been fun anyway.

Since I can't do a lot of walking, we drove from Springfield VA (where BIL lives) to the National Zoo. We got lost and I got some great pics from driving around the city. There is a metro station right across the street from our hotel, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk from the metro stop to the zoo and then walk around the zoo. I did that a few years ago and could barely do it, so I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And because there are so many of us, we had to take 2 cars. Well, BIL got lost but it was fine with me! I got to see the Washington Monument, the Iwo Jima statue, some protesters downtown and lots of great sights in Georgetown. It was great! And of course there was the ZOO! I got some great pics (that I will DL when I get home) of the kids at the zoo. We saw the panda's, elephants, a HUGE hippo and lots of other animals. We really had a great time.

We got lost heading home, so I got to see some more sights then too! Tomorrow, Cheryl, Katie, MIL, BIL and his son are heading downtown on the metro to go to the Spy Museum while I go with Gillian and SIL to a great mall that has a Hanna Andersson store! I am so excited! An actual Hanna store. Good thing I saved a little of that money my grandpa left for me. I may end up taking the Metro downtown later to meet up with Cheryl and Katie and go on one of those tours, but we'll see how tired I am. Truth be told, the ride down was very unpleasant on my back and sleeping in a strange bed doesn't help either (and having a teenager tap, tap, tapping on her phone till all hours doesn't help either)

So, look for some great pics when we get back. I didn't think to bring the cord to upload....sorry! I will talk with you all when I get back on Tuesday. I am checking e-mal if you need to get ahold of me though!

Wendy

More inner musings....reading

2008-04-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

Although this one is less maudlin. I think there are going to be lots of nuggets coming out of my mind over the next few months.

Anyway, growing up, I always loved to read. I would go into a panic if there wasn't a book for me to read (and still do). Now that I have money (well kind of anyway) I always have a big stack of books next to my bed to get through.The library is my best friend! And I am always reading. I am the person who reads at stop lights when they are red (and have trained my 5 year old to tell me when the light turns green). I read whenever I can. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't do other things, but reading takes me to a place where nothing else can. Like Anna Quindlen states in her book, Living Out Loud, "I still read constantly: if my kids ever go into analysis, I'm sure they will say they don't really remember my face because it was always hidden by a book. Obviously this is in part because I like books. But another reason is that I like to be alone. I like to go deep inside myself and not be accompanied there by anyone else. But I am the oldest of 5 children (so am I), and when I was young, I had about as much chance of being alone as I did of being a lion tamer. Reading was for me then a way of lifting myself out of a crowded environment into a place where I could be by myself"

When I read this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I love the place that reading takes me to. Whether it's fiction or non-fiction, I love all things books. I used to make myself read a book cover to cover, even if I didn't like it. Now, I know that time is too precious to waste on something that I really don't like. But, there is nothing like being transported from this world, directly into another. A world that is quiet and where I can be alone, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

So many books, so little time is my motto....

Wendy

Making connections

2008-04-07T13:54:00.000-05:00

I could have titled this one, Psychic Pain, but went with Connections instead. This is going to be a very painful post for me to write, but I really feel that if I don't get these words out of me, they will eat me from the inside out.

Life has been very rough for me for a while. I can't even pinpoint when the downward slide began, but it's been a while. I am very depressed, and spend a lot of my energy covering that up so that people don't know, although I would guess that those who know me well, know this. I feel like that commercial for Cym*alta lately. You know the one that goes, "Depression hurts?" I could go on and on about what I think is making me depressed, but I think there are 3 things that I can put my finger on. 4 very significat trauma's that have occurred that are all colliding at once and causing me deep psychic pain.

1)My father's death. Some people would say, "Hey, it's been 30 years, let it go already", but it's just not that east. I thought my father would save me from the hell hole that I was living in at the time. Living with an abusive stepfather and an overwhelmed mother. My father's death was single handedly one of the most traumatic events in my life. He was killed in an explosion where he worked when I was 10. Even just thinking about when I was told her was dead can still bring tears to my eyes. It's not just his death that plays into my depression, but the loss of my fantasy that he would take me out of the hell hole that I lived in. He was my LAST resort. And in one fell swoop, POOF, it was gone. I think, no, I know, my ability to trust was badly damaged by this. To say that I miss him is a gross understatement. And with my grandfather's recent death, this drags it all back up again. Opening doors that I thought were shut. Letting those feeling back in and that pain back in.

2)I don't know how much I can talk about this one, but it will be something that I will be journaling about. When I was 14, I met a woman that I started babysitting for. I was just beginning to question my sexuality and was pretty sure that I was a lesbian, although I didn't have a name for it. I knew that I was attracted emotionally to woman more than me, especially woman teachers. I think there was probably some sexual attraction too. So, this woman that I met when I was 14, started what I know now to "groom" me. She paid a lot of attention to me and even though she was dating and sleeping with a man, she started to treat me differently than the other kids in her house. She was a foster mother and in addition to her one biological child, she had several foster children, some young, some teens. I always got special attention. I was attracted to her, I guess you could say I had a crush and was infatuated with her. She knew this and used this. I started to babysit for her and if she would be out late, I would spend the night. Sometimes, I would sleep on the pull out couch if she was bringing her boyfriend home, but if not, I shared her bed. At 15, she finally started to abuse me. At the time, I saw it as love and she really played that up. There is a lot more to this, such as bringing me into her relationship with this man she was involved with and "dumping me" off and on that left me with such grief, that to this day I don't know that I will ever be able to be heathy in a relationship. I feel tainted and dirty. And you can tell me that I was used and abused and that none of it was my fault and intellectually I know this, emotionally, it has left deep scars that I don't know will ever be able to heal from. It impacts who I am as a person, woman and lover to the core. There are too many "unsaids" that I don't want to make public, but this is just an overview. I was robbed of my adolesence. It dawned on me today, my oldest is 15, the same age as I was when the abuse started. It makes a lot of sense to me now, this psychic pain that I have been going through. I see so much of myself in her (my 15 year old) and I feel so strongly the need to protect her from all of the evils in the world. I know that it's true, that when your child is the age you were when you were abused, it tends to bring up all the feelings and hurts that occured when you were that age. I just never really thought about it until now. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of healing. I have been spending a lot of time trying to get out of my own skin. I can't even expain how it feels to be me right now. I feel as though I am that skinny, moody 15 year old all over again, and it hurts really badly. Sometimes it hurts to badly that I just want to leave and get away from everyone and everything. I feel as though I can't be the partner I should be and certainly not the mother my kids deserve. My brain feels so full of pain that I feel as though I am robbing everyone of myself. Including me. I walk around feeling so angry, I know it radiates off me. No wonder our house is a mess of human emotions just flying around. I certainly haven't been a good role model to either one of my children in teaching them how to manage their own emotions. Just look at their mother. This is all I can really say about this issue although the roots are deeply painful and this is just a skim off the top of what happened. This "relationship" went on for 10 years. It wasn't until my 15 year old was born that I realized that I was not going to raise her in this kind of environment. (My ex and I were exclusive for the last 6 years of our "relationship) How sad is that? I couldn't even leave a damaging relationship for myself, but I thank my lucky stars that I could for my child. To give her the chance to be raised by a parent that could model good parenting.

3)Being discrimated against. There is an issue that is going on in my church where I am being discriminated against because of my sexuality. It is draining on my soul. My church is my second home, one of the places that I feel safe and now that safety is being challenged. I have faith in God that this will work out and that the church will do what is right for them. I have been trying to pray a lot. Pray that God will give me the guidance I so deeply need right now. To do the right thing and know what the right thing is. To give me the patience I need to be a good mother and good partner and to give me the grace to be a better person overall.

4) Being disabled - This is probably the biggest current one right now. Still waiting to hear about SSD and still struggling financially. I said to Cheryl the other night that if people don't believe me, I would love for them to live in my body, just one day. To feel the pain that I feel, just for one day. To feel the humilation that I feel because I can't do the things that other people my age can do. I hate walking with a cane, but if I don't, then I run the chance of falling. I want to work. I miss it badly. Thinking about working makes me feel tired. But I feel as though I am letting my family down by not working. We have to go without so much. I know that I have written about this a million times, so I am not going to go through it again. Let's suffice it to say that it's something that I pray about every day. Asking God to please give me a body that doesn't betray me. Because this one does. For those of you who read me and deal with chronic pain, you know exactly what I mean.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel drained now, but in a good way. I will be writing more privately about my abuse, but I hope telling as much of my story that I did will help anyone reading this that is either going through it or have been through it. Words are very powerful and used in the right way, helpful.

I really want to be happy again. I want to be pain free, both physically and psychically. I want to smile again and be a good role model to my children. I don't want them to see me fighting with my partner. I want them to see a healthy and wholesome relationship. I want to act with grace and dignity. I want to be the partner who gives something instead of always taking. I want to be the mother who can be there for her kids in all ways. I really, really just want to be a healthy and happy ME!

Wendy

Updates...and more

2008-03-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry to keep you all hanging but I have been waiting to hear back from the MD before I wrote anything. Still haven't heard back officially, but while we were there at his office he was pretty sure that Gillian doesn't have leukemia or any other form of cancer. She still needs to go for her colonoscopy to rule out colon cancer, but I am no longer worried about this. Whew. I do have to say that there is nothing quite like walking into a Hemotology outpatient clinic. The first thing that I saw was a little bald headed boy hooked up to his medication and my heart just sank. I just started to bargain with God saying, "Please, please don't let Gillian had leukemia or cancer, or, or, or..." and when the MD said he was 99.9% certain that she didn't, I actually felt guity along with the relief. How many parents didn't get that news and walked out of there overwhelmed and devistated? We did go for more blood work and we actually sat with the MD at his microscope and looked at Gillian's blood under the scope with him. She still has a high eosinophil count, probably due to her Ulcerative Colitis and she's still anemic, but they will follow her and try and figure out the anemia and keep an eye on the eosinophil count. She has a new diagnosis to add to her list.....Eosinophilia. Just basically a high eosinophila count.

I am continuing to sew. I made a halter top to go with the skirt below, but it still needs some tweaking. I bought some elastic thread to try my hand at shirring, so I will let you all know how that works out. I do have to admit that I haven't worked on "the" Easter dress. At which point does one throw in the towel? Well, too many people have helped me gain valuable expertise on this dress, so no throwing in the towel for me! I will tackle it again tomorrow. I also started working on a mystery quilt. I only had to go out and buy 1 yard (1/2 yard of 2 different fabrics) that I didn't already have. I must be building quite a stash as they say. I bought a purse pattern to use some of the fabric that I have that I don't want to sew clothing with and want to try my hand at that.

I had another exciting thing happen tonight, but I am not ready to share yet. All I can say is that there are some exciting things in store for me apparently. Stay tuned...
Wendy

Why I haven't been online!

2008-03-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

I have been working in this skirt!

While I love the colors, I think it's way to short. I haven't put the elastic in yet, as I am waiting for Katie to get home from school to measure her waist. I bought this pattern from
You Can Make This and the directions are excellent. The problem is that the length of the skirt comes from the top tier and I was afraid that one pattern would over power the skirt so I only cut it to what it said. I measured and remeasured, but they were accurate, so I think the next time I make this skirt, I will add 2 more tiers and get more length that way. The problem is the tiers are so tightly ruffled together that they bunch up and that takes away from the length. I think I will also add some cute ruffle accents next time too, now that I know how to put the skirt together! The bottom ruffle alone is almost 3 feet long before ruffling!

Which brings me to the magic of the ruffler foot! It's a special foot for your machine that creates ruffles and pleats so there is no more pulling strings and trying to get things just right. You can even go to the above mentioned web site and DL a free tutorial on how to use a ruffling foot. Came in very handy for me.

The other reason I haven't been online is that Gillian has been sick. She is severly anemic and had a really funky blood test result that could mean many things, one of them cancer so we are going to the hemotology dept at the local Children's Hospital today for an appointment there. If you are a praying person, please send prayers our way that this is something else and not cancer. Good thoughts, positive energy, etc would be gratefully accepted too. I am scared out of my mind!

So, how's that for an update? Sorry to keep you all hanging, but it's been a zoo and I feel like the monkey!

Now, back to the Easter Dress.....yes, you read that right. Maybe it will be ready for next Easter?

Wendy

Procrastination

2008-03-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

I am supposed to be working on Katie's Easter dress, but instead, I am finding all sorts of things I don't really have to do and doing them anyway. I got the collar on (with a lot of help from my MIL)and I have to trim the excess away and start the sleeves. I am not looking forward too it. I know what I have to do, I just don't know if I can do it. I can't do the spacial stuff, like sewing on the right side to right side and see it come out right. I think I like quilting much more, and don't ask me why it's so much easier to do that. Maybe because I actually pick patterns that I can do instead of something that is way too hard? Well, it looked easy and pretty on the package anyway!

On a good note, I won a prize from Fabric Bliss and am really excited. You see, I have all these grand plans in mind when it comes to clothes and yes, they do come out cute when they are finished. It's just getting them finished.

So, before I go and play an online game, let me close this out, get up from the computer and go to the sewing area and get that dress done! Keep your eye out for pictures!

Wendy

The most AWESOMEST fabric on the net....

2008-02-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

Come from Fabric Bliss ! I just got 4 more yards of some sumptous fabric and am waiting on a Euro order so that I can finish some great summer outfits for Katie. I know that some of you have asked where I find such great fabric and this is the place. I've never had an order messed up and I always love what I get. And if you are looking for the best price around, this is it.

So? What are you waiting for? Head on over and buy some fabric!

Wendy

Happy Birthday Katie!

2008-02-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

Although Katie wasn't feeling well, we went into school just to share snack with her friends and then came home to rest. After that, we took her for a day of beauty! She has always wanted to go to L*bby Lu's and so we fulfilled her wish. She wasn't feeling the best, but had a shake at J*hnny R*ocket's and then off we went to have the makeover. Grandma S came with us and that just made it extra special. She wore the shirt that a friend of ours made for her to match a pair of pants that we already had. As you can tell from the pictures, she definately was "princess for a day"! The only thing she didn't do was go through with getting her ears pierced (which I wasn't really disappointed with truth be told). Gillian was 5 when she got hers done and we told Katie that she could have hers done too. She got another W*bkinz from Grandma and some money to buy anther one! Pretty soon we won't be able to keep up with all these critters on the puter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY "BABY"! I love you sweetheart. I can't believe 5 years ago yesterday I was hearing your first cries and nursing you for the first time. You are growing into such a sweet little girl. You have a heart of gold and are such a good friend. You care so much about people's feelings. You love school, are already adding and subtracting and learning to read. Everyday you say or do something that just makes me shake my head in wonder at how smart and cute you are. I look forward to another year of watching you grow. I love you!

Now it's my computer

2008-02-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

That died that is. Cheryl went out and bought me a new one, so I am in business again. But, with the dead computer went all my favorites which I am trying to restore, so if you would be so kind as to send me your blog links so I can add them to my favorites, I would greatly appreciate it. Please send them along to wendy6gill@aol.com I am going to try and see if I can get anything off the other computer before we have someone look at it and try and restore it. I can't seem to keep a computer for more than 2 years before they bite the dust.

Anyway, I don't have much energy to blog about anything else. I am still grieving pretty hard and don't have much to say right now.

I will be looking for your blog address's though....please do send them along as I am missing my friends and really want to check in with you all! Thanks

Wendy

In Loving Memory

2008-02-14T12:46:00.000-05:00

Of my Beloved Grandfather

Raymond R. Walters Sr.
February 13, 2008 Raymond R. Walters Sr., 83, of Baldwinsville, passed away Wednesday, February 13, 2008. Born in Syracuse, he worked as a supervisor for the Syracuse Housing Authority for many years. He was a member of the Elmwood Fish & Game Club. He en-joyed his summers fishing at his camp in Canada and his winters at his home in Steinhatchee, FL. He was a staff sergeant for the Army Air Corps during WWII and also served in the Air National Guard, Syracuse. Survivors include his wife, Thelma M. Walters of 61 years; two daughters, Patricia A. Walters, Sharon J. Walters; one son, Raymond R. (Nancy) Walters Jr.; two sisters, Virginia Hobson, Betty (Dick) Bassett; two brothers, Ronald, Robert (Lottie); 11 grandchildren; 16 great-grandchildren; and several nieces and nephews. Calling hours will be Sunday, February 17 from 2 to 4 p.m. at the Butler-Badman Funeral Home, Inc., 4504 W. Seneca Turnpike (Rt. 175), Syracuse. The funeral will be Monday, February 18 at 10 a.m. at the funeral home. Burial will follow at White Chapel Cemetery, DeWitt. Butler-Badman Funeral Home, Inc. ONONDAGA HILL

I couldn't even write this yesterday. Even something so expected is incredibly hard. I go from being numb, to sad, to numb again. I know that I have mentioned more than once that my grandfather was like a father to me. My father died when I was 10 and my grandfather has always been there for me. I miss him so much. My heart aches with how much I miss him already.

On Friday he was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and it was grave. I was traveling to a children's museum with Cheryl and Katie, Gillian had just left to go out of town. When we got back, I raced up to the hospital only to find him sitting up eating! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my cousin John said that he'd probably be released in a couple of days. But his poor body and lungs just couldn't take it anymore. He'd had a rough night Monday night and by Tuesday couldn't come off the CPAP machine. Discussions with my Uncle, Grandmother, my mother and Aunt has already been had about no DNR and no mask. On Tuesday around 3PM my sister called me to tell me that my mother was getting picked up to go up to the hospital to say her goodbyes. Not long after, my mother called me saying that Grandpa wanted us all up there. I went up there and got to say goodbye. I thanked him for everything he'd done for me and told him that I was so thankful to have such a wonderful grandfather. He said "I tried" and then told me that he was proud of me and who I had become" He told me to tell Cheryl, Gillian and Katie Jo that he loved them.

The hospital was wonderful. They brought us food and took such good care of him. They were compassionate and caring. After everyone got to the hospital and said their goodbye's, respitory therapy came in and took off the mask, much to his relief. They already had him on a morphone drip and he was comfortable. They changed him over to a regular mask just giving him oxygen and made him comfortable. Little by little everyone said goodbye and went home. I think for me that was the most painful part. Knowing it was the final goodbye. I cried as I went to pick Gillian up and when I got home, went to bed, waiting for the phone call. That phone call came at 6:45am. He died at 6:15AM with my Uncle and Grandmother by his side. He passed peacefully. Right now, I have so much pain inside, but as the days go on, I will be blogging about the wonderful stories I have about my grandfather. It's just too painful to do right now. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Especially my Grandmother who just lost her husband of 61 years and my Mother, Uncle and Aunt who lost their father and of course the rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren who just lost one of the most precious people in our lives.

Wendy

Medical woes

2008-02-11T18:14:00.000-05:00

I try really hard not to talk a whole lot about medical stuff here, but it's really the only place I have to talk about it. I can't even remember if I mentioned that I spent 5 days in the hospital the week before last with no feeling in my right leg. It just went. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. My back surgeon (who did my laminectomy and fusion) says that although there is some imflamation in L5, that didn't cause the lack of feeling. Apparently it doesn't matter that I have had pain in this leg since the surgery. It's not coming from his surgery! So, they sent the neurologist in to see me and they did an MRI of the back, the brain and upper neck. Nothing. I had to be doped up pretty good to get into that machine, but it really was OK. I guess I am just getting more and more used to things that I wasn't able to tolerate before. The neurologist is ruling out MS by getting all my previous records, but there doesn't seem to be any findings of that.

Where is Dr. House when you need him? I really need someone to figure out why I never really recovered from this back surgery. I do have the feeling back in my leg, but there is some permanent loss and I can tell because of the pressure foot of the sewing machine. Not enough to impede my driving though right now. I had PT coming out 3 days a week and I keep doing my exercises faithfully, because when they were talking about seeing if my insurance would cover a wheelchair, well, I just wanted to die. At least that isn't something that I need to worry about now.

I do think it was the babysitting that did me in. I guess I really can't work. It's very difficult for me to accept. I need to be productive. I need to be someone again. Not just the pieces that I feel I have become.

Another Kady Dud creation

2008-02-11T11:41:00.000-05:00

Catchy eh? I have decided to call the clothes that I make Kady Duds! I thought it sounded cute and well since they are for Katie it just made sense. Anyway, here is the latest that I have made. I am starting the Easter dress today...while making a quilt in the process! Enjoy!

Sorry....

2008-02-10T14:05:00.000-05:00

I really meant to be better about blogging. Lots of things going on right now! Katie is getting over bronchitis. Gillian should be on her way home from NYC right now and I suspect she will be a bear when she gets here because she hasn't had much sleep. I can't wait to see her though. I missed her while she was gone!

And my grandpa. He's sick again. Really sick. I don't know much right now about whether he'll pull through, but he's got pneumonia and he's in the hospital and the DNR's have been signed. So, it's in his and His hands right now. Watching him decline like this has been hell. I want to remember the Grandpa who was strong and vibrant. Not the one wasting away and gasping for breath.

And there is church. Lots of stuff there to keep me busy, but nothing I can talk publically about right now. When it's resolved, you'll hear.

I did finish another twirl skirt for Katie and am about to go and sew the shirt for it. It's going to be a cute one. Then I have to get to work on the Easter dress. I am scared to do that one, and I suspect that MIL will be getting a lot of calls for help! I am also in the middle of making a quilt for Katie's bed too. Then I will get a start on Gillian's quilt.

Oh and Feebay! Anyone hear about what is happening over there? Needless to say I am done selling with them. Unless they change their minds about the things they are implementing, I am done with them too. Which brings up the question....where will I sell my kids clothing to make money to buy the next batch? Looks like I will be doing a lot of sewing huh? Too bad for them!